Astringency

People who get really offended when you compare someone to a famous person. "Did you just compare him to Jesus Christ?!" they say in an indignant tone. Yes, yes I did. IT'S JUST A COMPARISON. TAKE THE MAIN POINT AND MOVE ON

Rappers who hit me with so much of the same thing (saying "hit me" sounds cool, huh):

Male rappers: "I have hos, cristal, and thongs dropping all over the place"
Female rappers: "Your girl can't do it like i can, I'm so hot i reject guys left and right, don't you want me"

Frankly, my hip-hop brethren, these claims are so tired and old that when I hear them, I just want to take a nap in a rocking chair with a piece of straw in my mouth. Please. Give me something new. Tell me your business plan. Tell me your favorite breakfast restaurant. Tell me something!!!!

Video games because they're not fun any more. Ooh, MPGs!! Ooh FPS games!! Wow, I can spend 4893895231952 hours trying to figure out how to open this door! Please give me a god damned break and let me jump on some turtles' heads. The last fun game: Super Mario Kart on SNES

CALTRAIN I HATE YOU SO MUCH. What kind of POS transportation system has the most CONFUSING schedule on earth, a web page that obfuscates its own times, and trains that sporadically don't run at normal hourly times? Now I am an educated man, but one look at their schedule here made me question the dozens of years I have spent and thousands of dollars I have spent learning how to read. Is this a personal story? MAYBE LIKE LAST THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN I WAS STUCK IN SF THANKS TO THIS HORRIFICALLY POORLY RUN SERVICE

When you go to a restaurant and try to pour the crushed red pepper on your pizza, only the stupid bottle doesn't pour more than one flake out at a time. This means that I have to spend about 15 minutes furiously pouring the red pepper, while burning about 72,000 calories. I sincerely wish there was a dump truck full of crushed red pepper that unloaded its glorious cargo whenever I snapped my fingers. It's these moderate dreams that get me through the day.

Bagels. I don't how stupid Americans started liking bagels in the late 90s, but allow me to mock you and condemn the ABSURD ACT OF EATING PLAIN BREAD WITH NO TOPPING OR TOASTING. My favorite bagels are the 12-for-$2 bagels that you get in the grocery store--the ones you actually TOAST and put cream cheese on. Yet unbelievable amounts of people will go order plain bagels (or sesame, or whatever) and just EAT THEM PLAIN!!!!! Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion but I can't remember ever seeing someone walk into a Safeway, buy a loaf of bread, then casually eat it while walking around on the street, hands in pockets, whistling, all the while moaning in pleasure for how "mmmmmm good" it is. I hate you, bagels.

Registrars. What is it that draws the meanest, most anti-social people to this position--at any school? Or perhaps the position actually creates disgruntled, socially awkward people. Whatever the case, I will welcome the day when this job is offshored or computerized.

Puzzles, Sudoku, and any other "games" that are not fun

Waiters who ask, "Would you like to hear our specials?" and then proceed to list about 62 DIFFERENT SPECIALS WITHOUT STOPPING TO SEE IF WE CARE ANYMORE. How many times have you been at a table when this horrific monologue started, and you and your friends are just looking at each other embarrassedly? "Please stop," I whimper to myself. "Please stop." If I were a waiter and I saw 4 of my customers looking down at the table, inspecting the nearest fleck of microscopic dust, and slowly reaching for a screwdriver with which to kill themselves--aka NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME--I would probably stop, leave, and send free drinks for everyone to atone for my mortal error. Quick tip: If it looks like someone is going through the pain of giving birth while listening to you, you can safely assume TO STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW.

That stupid Josh Groban song, "You Raised Me Up," which every aspiring singer on TV apparently must try to reproduce. This is like me trying out for a cooking show and making an entire meal around Spam. Why not at least pick something good to copy?

People who go on Elimidate and then get sanctimonious about others' behavior. IT'S ELIMIDATE, NOT TRAINING FOR A NUNNERY. Girls will be like, "Ugh (rolling eyes), I can't believe she did that. That slut!" Dude, she's here to win and you are here to gain other female approval. Stop wasting my time. My favorite time was when an Indian girl went on Elimidate ("Indian girl" and "Elimidate" have never been uttered together before) and was the most prudish of all...of course. WHY DID SHE GO ON!? And the best part was that she said, "My parents and grandparents will be watching this." This is exactly the same reason why I would never go on TV to play in the World Series, NBA finals, Superbowl, or any other athletic event.

Anachronistic ad agencies. I will short you all

When you get into bed and are all comfortable, but then realize you're on TOP of the sheet, so you have to get up and readjust yourself. This is so nitpicky that it's a surprise I haven't had a heart attack yet.

The moronic tendency of people to pre-judge a jury verdict before it comes out. "Oh, I know OJ is guilty," many people said, to which I replied: Are you out of your god damned mind? How on earth do people purport to know (1) whether someone really did it and (2) what a jury will say when (a) THEY ARE NOT IN THE TRIAL, (b) THEY DIDN'T WATCH ANY OF THE TRIAL, and (c) EVEN IF YOU DID YOU STILL COULDN'T PREDICT IT WITH CERTAINTY. Yet these people will nod reassuringly and essentially pat themselves on the back, "knowing" that they know the right outcome. Will they ever be held accountable? No. Will they ignore disconfirming evidence if they're wrong? Yes.

People who get overly serious about recycling stuff:
Me: "Hey, where's the garbage can?" (Btw this is at a party where everyone is having fun)
Friend: "Oh, it's right over there."
Me: (Walks over to throw my coke can away)
Friend: PHYSICALLY STOPS ME AND LOOKS OUTRAGED. "Aren't you going to recycle?" he says in the same tone as if he'd found a body in the trunk of my car
Me: (Stares at friend, blinks)

Props to my brother for suggesting this one. Now, I'm all for saving the environment when it takes a few minutes of my time, but perhaps we can stop the global war on putting ONE COKE CAN IN THE GARBAGE CAN.

Chafe

Anyone who--while hanging out with friends and paying back some money they owe to one of them--hands it over and coyly says "This is for last night." Is that even supposed to be funny anymore? It's been used 59,901 times since we were kids. Also, I don't think prostitutes take IOUs.

People who get in relationships and then never see their friends anymore. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW LIKE THIS? These are the people who we disparagingly say "got married" in college, even though they didn't officially do that. What we really meant is they found a girlfriend/boyfriend and basically disappeared from everyone. I seriously hate this, and it's probably the fastest way for me to hate you. Talk about making a bad decision. Hmm, let's see, it's Friday night and I'm on a college campus, with more young people than I'll ever be around again. I think I'll hang out with the same person, stay in, and watch a movie!! What a life!!

Common phrases by these people:
You: "Hey dude, want to come out with us on Saturday?"
Lame-o: "Oh, I'm not sure....let me check with Michelle"

You: "Hey, we're going to get some food tonight, want to roll?"
Lame-o: "Yeah, we'd love to come" (even though they actually gave a once-in-a-blue-moon agreement to come out, WE DIDN'T INVITE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!! SOMETIMES WE JUST WANT TO HANG WITH YOU)

Lame-o (when they finally email you like 8 months later): "So...what's been going on?"
You: Silence (where do you even start? and why bother?)

The sad thing is not only the people who break up later, and find they wasted some of their best years sitting inside and watching Cheaters at 1am on Friday night. It's even the people who DO end up staying together, who one day will realize that they have exactly....1 friend.

This rant isn't over. What's funny is that, once every 39054213 years, these lame people will try to invite friends out to "reconnect." It will usually be something like a dinner, which requires little to no planning (of course). And they are inevitably SHOCKED when few people respond to their emails. WHAT A SURPRISE!! YOU STOPPED RESPONDING TO EVERYONE'S INVITATIONS FOR THE LAST 5 MONTHS/YEARS. WHAT WOULD SERIOUSLY MAKE YOU THINK THAT ANYONE WOULD RESPOND TO YOUR INVITATION AT THE DROP OF A HAT? Are these people out of their minds?

PLEASE, PEOPLE: DIVERSIFY YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S REALLY NOT HEALTHY TO HANG OUT WITH THE SAME PERSON ALL THE TIME. PLUS, IT'S MORE FUN TO HANG WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Why do I even bother with recommendations on this one? It's like trying to teach a wombat how to do viral marketing. Hopeless.

Update: How funny is this shit. 2 people have IMd me saying, "Wow Ramit, your post about college students getting married was so funny!!" Ironically, these people did not realize that THEY WERE INCLUDED IN MY RANT. Just because you're not in college anymore doesn't make you immune to this point. AGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! However, I take solace in knowing that I will never, ever run out of material for this site.

The way your hands are still wet after you wash them and dry them with a towel. One of my nightmares is going to the bathroom, washing/drying my hands, and then walking outside only to have someone IMMEDIATELY shake my hand. WILL THEY THINK I DON'T WASH MY HANDS?!? You can see the daily horrors that I confront every day when I wake up.

Anybody who says they can tell anything about your truthfulness from body language. For example, stupid people will say, "Did you know that looking to the top-right means you're telling the truth because you're accessing information from the left part of your brain?" Unless you're Paul Ekman, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. READ THE LITERATURE PEOPLE

What is it with indignant, self-righteous parents who don't take ANY suggestions people make about their children? A kid could be screaming with half his arm about to be eaten by a bear, but god forbid you say "Excuse me, I don't think that's safe." What can we expect the response to be? "HOW DARE YOU!! DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO RAISE THIS CHILD BETTER THAN ME? I'M A GOOD PARENT, SO DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME OR MY CHILDREN LIKE THAT." Now let's break it down here. First of all, you're probably not that good of a parent (just a numbers game). Second, stop yelling, you hysterical crazy old codger. But finally, can you please be original? God, if I hear one more nutty parent yelling out the same tired old phrase ("DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO RAISE THIS CHILD BETTER THAN ME?") I am going to jump off a boat into the ocean while tethering myself to an anchor of ice. Of course, I have to admit that I actually never hear this in real life--it's more often on TV shows like Desperate Housewives, where the moms are going crazy when someone says something about their kids. I guess parents like that don't hang out at VC offices and entrepreneurship conferences, my regular hideouts. Still, if every TV show says this is happening, it's probably true.

Hotel food, probably the worst of all. It's still stupendously shocking to me that people book receptions/fancy meals at hotels, only to be faced with 8195153 pieces of silverware (ooh that's really fancy, I'm so impressed), lukewarm chicken that tastes like glue, and no hot pepper. Get a life, hotels

Conferences that are either free or cost more than $2,000. I have been to both and let me tell you: They're both horrible. Here's why. Because they cost no money, the free conferences bring out the shadiest people on earth, all of whom call themselves "independent consultants." This means they are unemployed. And, not surprisingly, the ratio of "consultants" to entrepreneurs is about 2421498 to 1. In other words, if you are someone with a legitimate business at a free conference, prepare to be swarmed by geeky, socially awkward, needy people. Second, the $2,000+ conferences. These are also a waste of time AND money. See, everyone who goes to these things is sponsored by a company, so nobody really cares about anything. At the last one I went to, literally over half the people in the room were reading their email ALL day. It was like being back in a college lecture hall. If I were the presenter, I would have shut down all wireless Internet, screamed at everyone in the hall to pay attention, reminded them that their company was paying for them to attend, and ended with an ominous "Shame on you." Don't go to these goddamn rackets.

Don't kill me

Ok, apparently it's been a long time since I posted. I know this because of the many angry emails I've been getting. I'm kind of scared of you people.

I will update early next week. I promise! And to the person who complained about my lack of updates, asking "You started liking everything around you now?" I think one conversation with me would answer that. Started liking everything around me. Are you out of your mind?

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

Wrath

Anybody who starts an essay by defining a term. How many juvenile essays have you seen that begin like this? "Webster's defines impropriety as blah blah this essay will be read by no one because I am a horribly boring writer." Why not just announce that you are a moron in the title of your paper? WE ALL SPEAK ENGLISH AND DON'T NEED A DEFINITION IN THE MOST IMPORTANT REAL ESTATE OF A PAPER--THE FIRST SENTENCE. The best part about making this observation is that the people who write like this (and would therefore be the most offended) simply lack the faculties to write back to me and complain. I win!!!

The unbearably little amount of cheese in the regular (not supreme) Taco Bell nachos. WHY!!! Taco Bell, I have sung your praises for so long!!!

Closing after the sale. This is when someone GETS what they want, but continue to argue for it. The other day, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with a bunch of friends, and the waiter was one of those idiots who talks and talks and everyone wants him to leave. Unfortunately, the person who was in charge of coordinating the dinner was the kind of guy who can't lay it down and tell someone to shut up, so our ENTIRE table was subjected to the most horrendous type of monologue imaginable. Finally, when the guy placed the order (THIS WAS OVER 5 MINUTES AFTER THE WAITER CAME, I KID YOU NOT), the waiter CONTINUED saying why this was a good choice, why it was the softest pasta on the menu, etc. WE ALREADY PLACED THE ORDER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL ANYMORE. PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Closing after the sale is also a cardinal sin for salesmen. Watch for it next time you're out and please just stop the people and tell them what they're doing. Collectively we can begin shaming these people into stopping talking.

Stupid companies that don't list their prices on their site. Yes, I understand how enterprise software/hardware works, but that doesn't mean I won't single you out and mock you. I worked at an enterprise company and the dirty secret is that--even though there are list prices (which procurement officers have to dig up, explaining why they're so astronomically high)--they are routinely sold for for 50% off, 70% off, or even 90% off. I guess I understand why there are no prices on the Web site. They might as well put "WHO KNOWS!?!?!" on it.

Girls who overestimate how hot it is to see them making out with another girl. I cannot count the number of times some girls want something and say something like "Are you surrrrre you don't want to hang out? Who knows what will happen?" (wink, hugs her female friend). Ok. First of all, stop teasing because I have known you since 2nd grade and nothing is going to happen. Second, KISSING ANOTHER GIRL IS NOT AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE. Thank god the Internet has disintermediated your power. Actually, it's kind of sad to see the vestiges of something that may have worked 4 years ago (you offering to maybe kissanother girl) still struggling to exert influence. Incidentally, let me explicitly say that I am not opposed to this. Just don't taunt me with it.

ANYBODY who points at the stars and says "Can you see that? It's the [some astronomical term.] I genuinely believe that literally everyone who says this is lying. YES!!! YOU ARE LYING!!! NOBODY CAN TELL WHAT THOSE STARS ARE!!! And the most amusing part of this is standing next to other people who nod like lemmings and say "Oh yeah.....I think I can see it!!" Can you also see me stealing your wallet?

I am still alive and I will post soon

Ok, here's the deal. I have been reading all your comments pining away for more vitriol and, believe me, I will deliver. I have just been busy with other stuff and am traveling for a few days.

I will start posting again Monday. Come back then!

Also, if you want to read some of the other stuff I've been writing, check out my new series on personal entrepreneurship.

Recoil

Guys who seriously think that girls are really just gold-diggers and are actually after their money. Now I agree, it's fun to joke about, but th ere are REALLY guys who think this for real. I think it's a nice excuse for why these guys can't find a girl who's legitimately interested in them. But of course it can't be due to your personality, can it? It must be that they're all gold-diggers. On the off chance that you actually DO attract gold-diggers, you are sending out some seriously messed-up signals. Perhaps blurting out that you drive a BMW while rubbing your Cartier watching within 15 SECONDS of meeting a girl is not the best strategy?

When you wear a white dress shirt, praying that you will not go out to lunch, but are of course invited out to Italian food, where you spill a huge glob of red sauce on your shirt. Too personal of a story?

People who get promoted into positions of power and begin speaking in typoical BS, cover-your-ass language. Everyone has met people like this, and you always wonder if they were ever young (or fun). They're the people who say things like "Well, even if that were possible, it's not how things are done." They love using the word regulations, and they love bureaucracy. And I hate them. I know a bunch of people, even CEOs, who have risen to the top and still keep it real--they tell it like it is, instead of being machine-like automatons. PLEASE BE REAL HUMAN BEINGS AS YOU CONTINUE IN YOUR CAREERS

Organic foods, which are more expensive, go rotten faster, and have a fundamental prommise ("they're better for you!" that is far from conclusive, or even close to it. There is a nice strawberry patch near my house and I bought strawberries there a while ago. THOSE DAMN THINGS WENT BAD IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!! And finally, I don't need to prove that I am a good person by buying organic and smirking at others eating Cheez Its. No thanks, organic foods.

People who think they'll make it big once they find that one big idea. I've written about this in detail: The Myth of the Great Idea

Parents who make their kids take Chinese because "it's the language of the future." You know what--I know people at Stanford who do this of their own free will, too, so let me not just blame the parents. This is so absurd. It's like putting one of those propeller hats on a submarine because you think it will improve its speed. If you are worried about competing in the global economy, try to get good at what you do and meet people. DON'T TRY TO LEARN A LANGUAGE OF A CULTURE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND JUST SO THAT YOU CAN TALK TO "THOSE PEOPLE" ON ONE HYPOTHETICAL DAY. GOD DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!?

Post-hoc analyses of written works that are completely WRONG, yet sound sophisticated enough to pass muster and even sound insightful. I've written things where people analyzed my work, saying it took an amazingly sophisticated postmodern look at viral-marketing techniques. I don't even know what post-modern means!!! Ok, the whole last part about people ever reading my stuff is a lie, but you know what I mean.

Frustration

Fake smiles like Kristin on Laguna Beach does. Other offenders: Julia Roberts, Lara Flynn Boyle, basically every female celebrity who, as a reaction to having to smile all day, have developed this singularly annoying technique. It's an entirely fake type of smile that makes it seem that they are amazingly amused and goes like this: The girl leans her head back, opens her mouth so widely that no rainwater within a 2-mile radius can escape, and gives some fake-sounding laugh. Listen, I have told some funny jokes in my lifetime, and I have never evoked a reaction so amusing that they literally had to lean their head back to contain themselves. STOP THE FAKE SMILES

Cold fries at fast-food restaurants. These alone are enough to enrage the common man. But looking beneath the surface, I hate one thing even more: the poor saps that take these fries and don't complain at all. And the finger-pointing ends on one group: the stupid American consumer.

I'm constantly amazed how dumb the American consumer can be when it comes to getting what they want. In other countries, retailers and customers lie to each other, insult each other, and blow them off. But you know what? And in this seemingly laborious exchange, each side gets what it wants.

The American model is a different, stupid, top-down approach: The retailer offers some good, sets a price, and the consumer accepts it. EXCEPT THAT THEY DON'T QUESTION ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER. WHEN YOU GET COLD FRIES, YOU ASK FOR HOT ONES. I cannot COUNT the number of times when my friends have gotten cold fries and, when someone (me) pointed this out, they turn into Stockholm-Syndrome-afflicted consumers, shrugging their shoulders and saying "Oh...it's not that bad" (thousand-yard stare).

PLEASE, FRIES EXIST FOR ONE REASON: TO SERVE AS HOT, NOURISHING SUSTENANCE FOR YOU. If they're not hot, they're not FRIES. And seriously--ask for what you want. If your fries are cold, they'll make them hot for free. If the pants you're buying have a button missing, ask for a discount. If you're not happy with the service, tip less. If DO I REALLY NEED TO GO ON?! JUST ASK YOURSELF THIS SIMPLE QUESTION: WWAID? That's short for What Would An Indian Do?

Forbes gets in on the action: http://www.forbes.com/2005/03/07/cx_cw_0308hate_print.html

When newspapers use this stupid style: "Acme Corporation downsized to 13 employees from 18 and will continue to tighten business..."

Why oh why do they put "to X from Y" when ANY normal person in the world would say "from Y to X"? Try it--read it out loud. This is done by some of the most prestigious newspapers in the world, including the Wall Street Journal. Why?

What is it with blogs that don't have contact information or a simple biography? I was doing some research yesterday and wanted to get in touch with blog owners, but less than 50% of them had ANY WAY TO CONTACT THEM. What is your email address? Phone number? ANYTHING!!! This is slightly ironic considering that I accidentally messed up the code on this site, erasing my email address and picture. Oops.

People who confuse doing something for a long time with being good at it. I swear to god, if I hear another middle-aged person look condescendingly at someone else and say, "I've been doing this for 15 years," I am going to jump off a bridge into an alligator pit wearing nothing but a steak necklace and alligator boots (they still miss their uncle). Doing something a long time doesn't mean you're good at it. Look, I cut onions for 6 months before my mom saw me doing it, laughed at me, and then told me the right way to do it. I could have been doing it my old/wrong way for 15 years, and I still wouldn't have been GOOD. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE WORKED SOMEWHERE OR DONE SOMETHING FOR A LONG TIME DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE GOOD. (I repeated this 3 times because sometimes old people take a long time to get it.)

People who read a book and take it WAY too literally. A friend of a friend read "He's Just Not That Into You" (a great book for the most part). Anyway, she was going out on a 2nd date with this guy, and he didn't call the exact time he said he would. So when he called (A FEW HOURS LATER), she told him, "Sorry, you're not taking this seriously enough so I don't want to waste my time" and that was that. SHE ENDED IT BECAUSE SHE DIRECTLY APPLIED A BOOK'S TEACHINGS TO HER LIFE. PLEASE, PLEASE SELECT YOURSELF OUT OF THE GENE POOL

Consternation

Sorry about the long break from posting, but the truth is I was too happy. I was on vacation, doing a lot of fun business stuff, etc...but now that my happiness is taken care of, I'm back and angrier than ever. Let's do this.

The interminable wait when you pour a coke and wait for the fizz to go down

After this post, I think I may be creating the new Emily Post guide to etiquette--Ramit style. Ok here's the deal: IF YOU ARE LATE, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG. If, for whatever reason, you show up late--especially when more than 1 person is waiting for you--you should be apologizing profusely, not making up excuses for why you were late. AND!!! You should EXPECT people to be irritated. How dare you get mad at them for being irritated!!! God I often wish for a blunt weapon in these circumstances. And I have seen this more times than there are stars in the cosmos. And on these special occasions, I think it perfectly appropriate to use the time-honored and maternal insult: "Shame on you, Ramit. Shame on you." (Extra points if their name isn't Ramit and you say Ramit anyway.)

People who are on college email lists and complain that they get too much email--and then remove themselves. Way to be a recluse, Mildred. Actually, let me not narrow this down to college students. If you complain you get too much email, YOU ARE NOT MANAGING IT PROPERLY. I have had people say "Ramit!! I get 60 emails a day!!" and wipe their brow with sweat. I am simultaneously in the corner laughing at them as they say this, and clenching my fists in barely restrained rage. I also get lots and lots of email (and there are people who get significantly more) but the fact is, email's like money: It's not how much you get, it's how you manage it. Isn't it ironic that people spend such a significant amount of their lives on email now, yet they don't take a few hours to learn the MANY, MANY email-management techniques out there? This smacks of idiocy and I have been struggling for ways to take advantage of these people for a long time. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR EMAIL AND LEARN HOW TO MANAGE IT PROPERLY!!!!!

People who ask for "honest feedback" but don't really want it. Has this ever happened to you? Special note: if it's your boss asking, 99% of the time, run.

Stupid radio stations that shoot themselves in the foot by running a MINUTE-LONG AD ON HOW THEY PLAY MORE MUSIC. "This is Kiss 98.1, where we keep it real by playing ALL the music with FEWER commercial breaks. We have smooth R&B, blah blah, Luther Vandross, blah blah, history of R&B, upcoming events, but we play more music than everybody else." Then what comes next? You guessed it...a commercial.

Any political slate that runs for something that is literally impossible. Last year--this was in COLLEGE--I saw a group campaigning by putting flyers all over campus. Its main argument was that it would change pub night to accomodate teenagers too. OH REALLY!! Teenagers in a bar! So let's see...that would be illegal, prohibitively hard, and the 21+ people wouldn't want them there.

GREAT!!!

This is the equivalent of the elementary-school campaign that said it would make cafeteria food better. THANK YOU JOHNNY!!!
jackass

Hostility

You, if you make stupid gut calls that are completely uninformed by real data. This is true of everything, but let me focus on one area today: germs. There is almost nothing more irritating than someone who is afraid of "gross things" and complains about it all the time. "Eww!!" they might say, "I can't walk barefoot to the laundry room! I might catch something!" Oh really. NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOUR SKIN IS LIKE SARAN WRAP? Witness the thousands of things that wash off of it, including so-called permanent marker and superglue. Frankly, if it doesn't make me sick, I basically don't mind. This isn't to say I wallow in the mud routinely, but I don't complain ad nauseum about getting some dirt on my hands. It's always interesting to me how these people chronically misjudge the risk factors. Ooooh, god forbid they accidentally touch someone's feet, but the very same people will then go make out with an unknown person (or share their drink). Let's just think this through for one second: If you make out with someone, you are exposing yourself to roughly 1,000,000x more risk than walking barefoot in a laundry room or touching something slimy. Now, I'm not casting judgment--except for on these stupid people's thinking and behavior--but really, can you please use some simple commonsense to judge your risks? Not everything is gross, except your incompetence

Hella stupid people who try to be political. These are the people who take the most SUPERFICIAL impression of politics and blow it up into a massively overblown/inaccurate interpretation of events. Now, I don't personally care to engage in a political debate here, but if you take what you hear from the news--whether you're Republican or Democrat or whatever--and don't actually investigate what you read, you are a moron. I can't count the number of stupid college students who have something like this in their AIM profile: "I can't believe the President/SecDefense/Head of EPA did that!! Can you believe how many jobs we'll lose! And add this to the fact that global warming is increasing and our country is going downhill." Listen up, Themistocles: First of all, it's always easy to throw your hands up and bemoan the way "things are going." I love how easy that technique makes it for you to distance yourself from any responsibility or actionable items. Second, perhaps I would take you more seriously if you didn't just read the color-coded pie charts from USA Today, and actually did some research on BOTH sides of the issue. And finally, how seriously do you expect someone to take your position if you write it in YOUR AIM PROFILE?! Perhaps you could write a memo or a letter to the editor or an essay and post it online. Ohh, but you won't, will you? That would take effort and force you to actually think about a rational position and, god willing, some recommendations. It's much easier to just sit there and complain, isnt it? Hatred

STUPID-ASS CORPORATE PHONE SYSTEMS THAT *REQUIRE* YOU TO SPEAK (NOT TYPE) YOUR INFORMATION IN, GIVING YOU NO OTHER CHOICES. First of all, can we just stipulate that if you're stupid enough to put one of these systems in, the system itself is probably not that good? And furthermore, it is extraordinarily hard for a machine to distinguish the spoken characters of something like "A805OCBETG." And yet there are companies that offer ONLY the option to speak your information, not type it. Talk about a mode error--I wonder if the CEO thought "ooh cool speaking functionality!" when he heard it. Jackass

People who post furniture for sale on Craigslist but don't put a picture. Why not just move your post to the garbage and save the middleman?

Spite

The way most people are atrocious photographers. I am frankly more than a little surprised that we have raised a society of people who take consistently bad photographs. Let me break it down: Are you tired of getting photos taken of you where the smiles look fake? Where 2 people have their mouths open? Where everyone just looks crappy?

Worse yet, are YOU the person taking these photos?

Here is a simple remedy that defies social norms but is a good way to get great smiles and photos that don't make me want to jump off a building backwards (might as well check my reflection on the way down):

Usually, when people are taking pics, people say something like "Smile! 1...2..3" and then either (1) THEY DON'T HOLD THE BUTTON LONG ENOUGH, SO NOTHING HAPPENS, LEADING TO THEM LOOKING AT THE CAMERA CONFUSEDLY WHILE EVERYONE'S FACES ARE TURNING TO STONE (anger) or (2) they just take a crappy picture where everyone looks fake.

Listen up people. There is another way. Get the people gathered. Get them warmed up. Tell them a nice joke. GET THEM LAUGHING NATURALLY. Then Take The Picture!! It's ok if they don't expect it!! REMEMBER!! You don't really have to count "1...2...3" in order to take a picture!!

People forget this and look stunned when I suggest it. Yes, it's true. Try to get a natural laugh out of your audience and the pictures will look great. And hold down the god damned camera button.

Cold showers

Sorry, but I have even more camera hatred. What is with the people who you ask to take a picture of you/friends and they look at the camera like it's a foreign weapon? "Uhh...I'm not really sure....(bewildered look)....no....sorry" and they refuse to take the pic because they don't know how to use a camera. Now, I very very very rarely get mad at someone for not knowing something, or make fun of them for that. After all, you can't really mock someone for not knowing something--maybe they just didn't have the opportunity to learn, etc.

But there are some cases I feel very comfortable mocking people: when they don't know something that any functioning human being should know in the course of breathing oxygen and living on this planet. For example, if you're under 85 years old, you should have dealt with a camera. So when I hand it to you, PLEASE DON'T RETURN IT TO ME LIKE IT'S KRYPTONITE. TAKE A PICTURE AND PLEASE POINT IT THE RIGHT WAY.

Another thing: Learn how to pump your own damn gas. (People that live in NJ etc, yes we know that you're legally not allowed to pump yours, so thanks.) There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to do this, people. My parents were so smart that they made us think we were LUCKY to be able to pump gas. Meanwhile, they chilled in the car and listened to the radio!! Brilliant!!! I will be fortunate enough to pass on that wisdom as soon as my toddler child can walk.

Interesting sidenote on the gas thing: In high school, I had a friend who didn't know how to pump gas. So one day we were driving somewhere and I had to get gas. Remembering that he didn't know how to do it, I made fun of him and then made him get out and pump my gas. I was feeling very good. Then he got back in the car and we continued driving. It was a cold night, so I had the windows rolled up and the heater on. By the time we got downtown, all of us mysteriously had POUNDING headaches. Upon further investigation, it turned out that my friend--the one I Was so happy about making pump gas for me and learn how to do it for himself--spilled gasoline all over his shoes, which then seeped into his sock. Apparently the smell of gasoline in an enclosed space for a long time is not good.

And finally, this is the last hatred (for now) about people who don't know something. I am CONVINCED that if you take a sample of top college students--say 100--some surprising amount will not know how to put the toilet paper on the toilet-paper roll. THIS IS MY GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY!!!!!!! I call it the Toilet Paper Hypothesis. Let me explain: See, these are people who have never really had to learn how to do it. When they were at home, their mom always put the toilet paper on. And when you get to school, there are maids who do it. So really, when would there be a necessity to learn this? And if you're a top college student, it's even more likely that your mom did it at home and you had maids at school.

The interesting thing is that when I tell people this, they scoff as if it's the most outlandish thing in the world. LISTEN, I WILL PUT MONEY DOWN ON THIS. Here's the bet: You get 100 people, take them into a bathroom one-on-one, and say "Ok, fix this"--and there's a new roll of toilet paper sitting on top of the toilet. The subjects have to put the new toilet paper back on the roll within some reasonable amount of time (say 30 seconds or whatever). If they can't, they fail!!! I bet that at least 3% of students have never done this in their lives.

God I will mock these people until the end of time!!!

Movie theatre seating that is not staggered. Thank you, seat designers, for making me stare into the back of someone's head for 2 hours instead of simply moving my row 3 inches to the right. ANGER!!!!!!!!!! But to be honest, if I were the seat designer and I did this (whether intentional or just a stupid oversight), on the first day I would go into the theatre with a humongous hat and just listen to the whispers behind me. Might as well get some laughs out of it, I guess.

People who write out numbers like "two" instead of just writing 2. I don't care what MLA style says, it's harder to read.

Be back later

I'll be gone for a few days, so no posts while I'm gone!

-Ramit

Grudge

When you're watching the car in front of you swerve all over the place and you can see the driver fishing around for something in the car

People who use "who's" when they mean "whose"

People our age who try to rationalize stealing music. They will use the most convoluted, nonsensical excuses to reconcile what they're doing. "Well, if the record companies released BETTER music, and we didn't have to buy an entire CD, maybe we wouldn't have to STEAL music!!" or "The record companies are so out of touch. If only they had a place where you could buy reasonably priced music, I definitely would."

Ok, let me make a quick comment on this. When you do customer research, some percentage of your prospects will say "Yeah, I'd buy (your product) at that price, but I'd buy more if you priced it lower." Don't listen to this. Customers have no idea what they're talking about when they engage in theoretical pricing/purchase exercises. As an example, when I Was launching BitterShirts, I did fairly extensive customer research on about 20 shirts, having a representative cross-section rank about 20 designs from "I hate it" to "I'd definitely buy it." When I eventually chose shirts and launched http://www.BitterShirts.com, over 70% of those who said they would "definitely buy it" didn't. So PLEASE, IF YOU EVERY SAY "I'd buy it if it were cheaper" THE TRUTH IS YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT--yet you will steadfastly insist that you do. Go away.

Why is it that people above you always lie about what you're about to encounter? Think about people in high school or college, who had taken some class a year before you. You ask them, "Is it hard?" And they will inevitably give you some completely polarized response: "Oh my god, it's the hardest class you'll ever take" (implication: I am really really smart because I got through it). Alternatively, they might say "Oh christ, that is the easiest class I've ever taken" (implication: if you don't get an A+ you are a moron). At Stanford, there's this class affectionately called Rocks for Jocks--it's some geology course that a bunch of athletes take. But it's not that easy!! Neither is Econ1 or CS106a. Yet people will always insist that they are.

With that said, the easiest class in the world is EDGE. Sorry for the inside comment but if you went to Stanford, you know what's up.


WORST DEODORANT EVER

People who only have hot girls on their Facebook friends. Hmm...yes, you are completely transparent

People who have poor hit ratios and continue to talk. These are the people who try to be funny by making like 1839581325 "jokes" per day and, of course, just by probability, maybe 1 or 2 hit and are actually funny. So then they consider themselves very funny!!! Ooh I am so funny!!! I made 3 funny jokes today!!! (Ignore the context, that they made 829359298354 non-funny jokes.) I had a group of friends and we genuinely hated this, so we created the Minus 3 strategy to combat this. Here's how it worked: If you said a joke that was just PATENTLY UNFUNNY--meaning everyone around you would look at you and just say "Why did you say that?"--someone could assign you Minus 1. If you got up to Minus 3, you weren't allowed to talk for the rest of the day. Yes, it's rough, but we succeeded in shutting the morons up for the rest of the year. Tough love, people!!!

Jaundice

Elevator doors that close slowly. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!! Shit, if I built an elevator, every wall (and the doors) would be huge skull-and-crossbones signs warning people that these elevators were superfast and efficient. Limbs might be lost but I guarantee you would make your meeting on time.

People whose hatreds are really prosaic, like "I hate SUVs." When I interview people for stuff, I sometimes ask "what are things that annoy you?" Some people get so excited and proceed to rant about stuff, and you can imagine the fine talks we have. But other people are so boring like, "Oh I dunno...I try not to be negative...maybe popup ads." WOW THANKS

One of the most irritating types of people are people who are always SKEPTICAL.

You: "Hey, we should go out to this restaurant. It's really good"
Them: "Realllllly? Are you sure? I mean, it doesn't sound that good"

You: "Hey, do you want to meet this girl? I think you'd like her"
Them: "I mean, really? What? Why? What does she do? What does she look like? Is she the most amazing woman on the planet with exactly my physical, psychological, and spiritual requirements? If not....I mean...are you sure?"

You: "Hey, cool quote. Did you know that it originally came from Sophocles?"
Them: "I don't think so"
You: "I STUDIED THIS FOR 10 YEARS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL--I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW"
Them: "I still, just, I don't think so!"

WHERE IS MY CANE TO BEAT THESE PEOPLE WITH

Along the same lines of moronic skeptical people, I once was at a group interview and met this guy from University of Arizona. We introduced ourselves to each other and he asked where I went, so I told him, and he immediately had this huge chip on his shoulder. WTF? I didn't say anything against him, but ok, I just dealt with it. He was saying things like "Well, I hear it's overrated. I mean, the athletics are pretty good but I hear the East coast schools are better." I'm thinking, ok, thank you sir for your insightful comments, but I just let them go. THEN he asks me (very competitively and antagonistically) what I study at school, so I told him technology and psychology.

This idiot wrinkles his nose like he just ate 4-month-old tomatoes and says "TECHNOLOGY AND PSYCHOLOGY? What is THAT?!" Can I please take a small break to say that just because you haven't encountered something before does not automatically disqualify it from being credible. GOD I WISH I HAD SAID EXACTLY THAT TO THIS GUY. Anyway, I tried to explain a little, very comfortable in my knowledge that this person was a moron for questioning something he knew NOTHING ABOUT YET I HAD STUDIED FOR A LONG TIME. I love his ending, though: "Well, I guess you can study that...but I really wonder where it will get you." Remember, we had just met 3 minutes before this! I really appreciated his life advice.

When companies advertise that you could "Save up to 25% or more!!" Oh, ok, so basically you're telling me that I can save anywhere between 0 and infinity. Thank you.

Nausea

Anyone who posts really personal stuff on their blog and then is surprised when people have preconceived notions about them

When you're at the movies with friends and it ends, but everyone sits there waiting for the other person to get up, and you don't know what to do. WHAT DO YOU DO!??! WHEN DO YOU GET UP? IS YOUR FRIEND REALLY ENJOYING THE CREDITS, SO WOULD IT BE RUDE TO GET UP? OR IS HE JUST WAITING FOR YOU?? This is especially pertinent when the movie is something really sad like Schindler's List and 99% of the theatre is sitting there. You don't want to be the jackass who gets up, whistles, and skips out of the theatre while everyone else is sitting there stunned.

The fatal flaws of technology use in education. I've written about this before (http://tinyurl.com/akcms -- warning: serious paper, not funny) but it never gets old when I hear about a stupid school giving away iPods to their new students, putting up LCD monitors in the cafeteria, etc. Give me a break, please.

The Mom Cut, a truly insidious phenomenon. I mentioned this before but apparently I wasn't clear enough, so here goes another tru: This is when college-age girls cut their hair to their shoulders, which resembles a suburban-mom haircut. THIS IS NOT HOT, STYLISH, OR EVEN TOLERABLE. The problem is that girls always say, "Fine, who has a Mom Cut?" The answer is, you know it when you see it. Well, at least I do. Ask any guy and he'll point one out to you.

Anyone who thinks "Well, I called/emailed/contacted them and if they really wanted me, they would get in touch with me." That's not polite or smart, it's arrogant and lazy. Follow up!!!!!

I hate the entire phenomenon surrounding this. Ok, think about what would set off a man more than anything, and this comes to mind for me: Hearing a girl say "I just want a big old ring." And by the same token, hearing a man say "I want my wife to be good around the house" will make women pissed.

I think both sides are being morons about this. Look, when women say they want a big ring, most of them don't care about the ring itself. They're talking about wanting a man who can provide for the family, which there is nothing wrong with. They are NOT saying "I'm going to sit around and do nothing while you go out and work." No!! That's in your head and society's stupid stereotypes.

By the same token, if a man dares to say that he wants his wife to be good around the house, he better have on good running shoes. And Kevlar. Again, morons, the man isn't saying "I'm going to do nothing and you better know how to clean because you're going to be doing it all." NO!!! Hopefully, if he's a good guy, he'll take on his fair share. But the underlying feeling here is that his wife should know how to help around the house, just as the man should know how to help earn for the family.

Bottom line: Can we please stop jumping to god damn conclusions. I know it's really hard in this superhyped, PC, gender-battle society of ours, but if I hear another guy and girl yell at each other about this, I swear I am going to throw a chair at both of them.

Wow...this one takes the cake

Look what I just discovered:

A page called 50 Things I Hate

Let's look a little deeper:

37 - People who call you, ask for someone, you tell them they have the wrong number, and they act annoyed. HEY JACKASS YOU CALLED ME
40 - People who go over their time limit in a presentation. Trust me, once your time is up, nobody cares what you're saying. nor do they actually care in the first place.
44 - Any tests where the answer choice has (A), (B), (C), (D), and then (E) is "none of the above." DAMNIT!!!
45 - Email clients that put your reply BENEATH the original message. Why must you force me to scroll to read what you wrote?

The list goes on and on.

Hmmm...have you seen these anywhere? LIKE MAYBE ON THIS SITE? VERBATIM?

How very sad when a little teenage girl has to steal other people's to feel good about herself. ashleigh_becu of Perth, Australia, I feel sorry for you.

More reading
-About Ashley (in her own words): "hey. my name's ashleigh n im 17. i go 2 uni n im studying science. i also work in a deli."
-The full list is here: 50 Things I hate.

Update: Her site seems to be down now.

Disfavor

Fastweb, the national scholarship site that every high-school student tried. Remember it? The problem was that every other student in America knew about it too, making it impossible for anyone to win anything. This is a good example of something that people say "Well, it's better than nothing! How could it hurt?" But, unfortunately, it does. See, when there is something that provides trivial benefits but then makes you complacent about doing anything else, that's a net loss. For example, when students signed up for Fastweb, they would shrug and say "I'm SEARCHING for scholarships!! What else can I do!?" and then do nothing. And of course they would get no scholarships, and that was that. This phenomenon is also found everywhere in technology, like firewalls ("I installed a firewall, so I'm safe! --> Click on unsolicited .exe attachments). Sad.

People who use the wrong modes of communication. I was going to a friend's house and he told me to come at 5pm. So when I get there at 5:00pm and he's not there, I call him. "But I told you I'd be late!" Oh really? "Yeah, I sent you an email!" AT 4:50pm HE SENT AN EMAIL. WHYYY

Those cereal commercials on TV showing a "complete breakfast" that had THREE different types of drinks: Orange juice, milk (what about the milk in your cereal??), and coffee. When I was a kid, I was lucky if we got water to drink with our breakfast.

http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/archives/2005/06/i_hate_this_son.html

People who come up with business ideas, do no research, and then lose all their money. I know people who talk about opening up a franchise business because it's easy. Really! So the point of your business is to be easy! What's the failure rate of franchisees? What happens if you don't get the real estate you want? What about all the DATA AAAAARGH

Teenage angst, ugh

Execration

Our inability to make a fully formed fist when we wake up. What would happen if an unknown assailant attacked us at or around 8:15am?

Getting an eyelash caught in your vision, but you're not sure if it's on your glasses or stuck in your eye, so you spend like 10 minutes wondering instead of just taking your glasses off and seeing. DAMNIT

When people complain and complain about someone BUT NEVER TELL THAT PERSON WHAT THEY'RE THINKING. I had a class where people hated the professor and everyone was like, "Just wait till that evaluation comes--I'm going to blast her." (Note how they never just sent her feedback, but ok I understand that people are nervous about non-anonymous feedback.) So the anonymous survey comes around and...what happens? OVER HALF THE CLASS JUST GETS UP AND JUST LEAVES WITHOUT FILLING OUT THE SURVEY. This is your chance to give some feedback!!! But no, you have the attention span of a fish.

The Chappie, Stanford's supposed "comedy" magazine. Quick tip: If every single joke is incomprehensible to everyone but YOUR OWN WRITERS, you are not funny. The oddest thing is that I know a few genuinely funny people who write for the Chappie. I will die with this mystery.

People who use the word dissonance incorrectly. JUST LOOK IT UP ONCE

Anyone who get annoyed when someone calls and wakes them up. HEY!! YOU left your phone on. If it's some unreasonable hour, fine. But if it's normal daytime and you're taking a nap, or you're just sleeping until 2pm, you don't get to be irritated when you pick up the ringing phone that YOU left on. Next time this happens, I'm going to start screaming back at the person. I'm sure my friends reading this can't wait!!

People who come up with business ideas, do no research, and then lose all their money. I know people who talk about opening up a franchise business because it's easy. Really! So the point of your business is to be easy? What's the failure rate of franchises? What happens if you don't get the real estate you want? What about all the DATA AAAAARGH#%*&#%

PS--Happy Birthday Doug, and looking forward to crushing you in Mario Kart next time we play

Displeasure

Those stupid subscription flyers in magazines. Have you ever met someone who actually subscribed through those?

People who ask a question in class, but actually end up asking 5 questions, so they overwhelm the speaker and he doesn't know what to say:

So, I guess, what types of funds would you recommend? Index funds or stocks? Do you use ETrade or Datek? How long will it take?

STOP TALKING

People who complain about technology but don't take even one hour to learn about it. Actually, this is true for just about everything

Loud keyboards in class/meetings

People who furtively raise their hands in class. JUST PUT IT HIGHER SO WE DON'T HAVE TO WATCH YOUR JACK-IN-THE-BOX SHIT

When you put on dress pants and then dress socks, not realizing that your left pant leg is stuck in your sock. I imagine there are equivalent situations for women

Professors who invite speakers to class and end up explaining theoretical concepts and their own research. WHY DID YOU INVITE THE SPEAKER IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TALK AS USUAL?

Students whose executive summaries are not really executive summaries, but long paragraphs with the completely wrong level of analysis

Repellency

After a long break, I'm back...so let's get started.

Those CNN.com polls that ask people their opinion about things they are completely unqualified to answer. "Do you think Viagra causes blindness?" NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SO HOW CAN YOU EXPECT AN ANSWER?!?

Forgetting to attach a file to an email. OH MAN I really despise myself when I do this

People who go their whole lives with theories about human behavior without ever finding out if they're completely wrong. I heard someone saying something like "I think that people are their most creative when they're tired" or some other nonsense like that. PLEASE LOOK AT THE LITERATURE OR JUST ASK ONE PERSON KNOWLEDGEABLE IN THE AREA. They will quickly tell you if you're wrong or not, and you can avoid being a 56-year-old man who is spouting personal theories that are completely wrong

Even more stupid examples of technology in classrooms that don't improve education. Thanks to JRK for the link (look at his sexy pic)

How there is no keyboard shortcut for "Paste as unformatted text"

When you bite your nails so short that it hurts

I graduate tomorrow!

Things have been slow around here...because I'm graduating from Stanford tomorrow! So please excuse how quiet it's been. I have a lot I want to write and I'll put it up ASAP.

Martha Stewart's ironing advice

Ironing a Shirt
By Martha Stewart

As many of you know, I am obsessed with the pursuit of a crease so sharp that it will cut your face. BUT I DISAGREE WITH MARTHA'S RECOMMENDATIONS ON IRONING TECHNIQUE.

I DISAGREE VEHEMENTLY!!!!!!

This was important enough for me to put it as its own post.

Thanks,

-Ramit "Champi(r)on" Sethi

Gabe Rosen's guest post #4

This is the fourth and final guest post by Gabe Rosen.

Yogurt. What a bullshit thing to eat. It's spoiled milk, OK? And stop ruining perfectly good fruit by mixing them all together.

As an amateur topologist, I'm extremely interested in the economy of spaces. Sometimes, when I see a bunch of cars parked on the side of the road, I try to calulate how many more cars could fit there if everyone didn't give himself a six foot clearance on either side of the car. Now, in some cases, this can't be helped. But I'll tell you what is really a waste: motorcycles in car spots. When I am in charge, this will be punishable by a minimum of ten years in federal prison.

Awkward, obligatory hugs. I'm as affectionate as the next guy, but it seems to me that our society has gotten so touchy-feely that people with the least little basis for connection somehow feel obligated to hug at every departure. Don't you ever want to say, "I barely know you. Why are you insisting that we touch in a personal and intimate manner?"

Having to justify why you don't like someone to someone who likes that person. Last night, my friend told me, "I can tell you don't like Maurice. He's a great guy!" I explained to her that Maurice has a weak handshake, contributes nothing to conversations, acts like I'm not there, and generally spoils the scenery. Somehow, this became my fault. I also hate being told I could grow to like someone if I only tried. Right, and I'm sure I could grow to like eating wombat eyes too. If I only tried.

People who benefit from nepotism and act as though they earned everything and are a better person than you for having successfully gone through the process.

Thanks to Gabe for a truly bitter week of entries. -Ramit

Gabe Rosen's guest post #3

This is the third guest post by Gabe Rosen.

The Summer of Our Discontent

How about these people who will only take time off from working/studying to get drunk, not to have a meaningful interaction with their friends? Now, in this case I hate the sin, not the sinner, but it still depresses the shit out of me.

When people make assumptions about your career options based on very little information. Someone asked me recently what I studied, and I told him English, with an M.A. He snorted audibly, and said, "Well, I GUESS you could do some kind of marketing." Just for that, I vow never to work in marketing.

Address numbers that aren't visible from your car. Even more, when an intersection with a stoplight has a tiny-ass, nearly illegible sign way down on the lightpost, as opposed to hanging right below the light in large, easy to read letters like it damn well should.

When menus get too cute for real life. I actually read this earlier tonight: "Chicken, snowpeas, carrots, and cabbage ON A DANCE FLOOR OF JASMINE RICE". If I ever find the person who composed that one, we're going to see something, or someone, else on the floor - the actual floor, that is.

One thing I am reminded of my hatred for every spring and summer is mosquito hawks. I don't care if they do eat mosquitoes (and this is hotly debated). I don't enjoy having giant prehistoric bugs flying around my personal space. One time when I was a kid, one of these monstrosities flew into my face and tried to latch on, and sicne then I have vowed hatred and destruction to the species. Mosquito hawks, you have been warned. Fuck with me and find out.

Gabe Rosen's guest post #2

This is the second guest post by Gabe Rosen.

What is with the streets in San Francisco? Do urban planners just sit around thinking "Hey! Let's put a sign that says "US 101", but not say which direction!", or, "How cool would it be if this street all of a sudden changes names for no apparent reason?" Maybe I'm just unhip to the city (which I probably am) but this strikes me as needlessly confusing.

The guy who won't go out and have any fun with a group, citing monetary woes, but then spends ridiculous amounts on things he enjoys with no one around, like DVD's of every cut-rate TV show he's ever watched, or expensive bottles of liquor that he drinks alone. Then, when you call him on it, it just makes everything worse, or you get more self-pity. Predictably, when he does offer to socialize, it usually takes
the form of watching said TV or DVD's. And yes, I see that there is no reason to be friends with these people anyway, but sometimes it's complicated.

People who have to comment on everything, however uninformative or stupid their comments are. To wit: there is this grad student who has been hanging around my old co-op house (where he lived in the early 90's) annoying the shit out of people, apparently in an effort to ingratiate himself with the community there. The guy's in the 14th year of his Phd. Anyway, I was walking through the kitchen in a tank top and shorts, to fill up a water bottle. He says "Ah yes, the little-seen athletic side of Gabe Rosen emerges!" Very clever, fucko. (If you know me, think about this one for a
minute - "little seen"!). I was very close to saying "Ah yes, the much-seen obnoxious side of Bob emerges!"

I'm always dismayed when people act like jerks at peace/love events. Examples include people warring over parking spaces at the Monterey Bay Reggaefest, or blatantly cutting in line to get tickets to see the Dalai Lama speak. Conversely, it always amazes me when people sit in a rowdy and obnoxious cheering section by choice and then take issue with the level of abuse being heaped on the visiting team.

Gabe Rosen's guest post #1

This is a guest post by Gabe Rosen.

One thing that really gets my goat is when people have no perspective whatsoever on life, as evidenced by the flagrant misuse of certain words - viz. "poor" and "prison". A certain acquaintance of mine, who has inspired numerous previous posts, keeps a box in his car in which to deposit coins for charity. A noble end, you say. I noticed the box, and commended him on it, and he launched into a santimonious tirade about how the Good Book mandated giving to charity, and how he gave despite being "as poor as a churchmouse". This while riding in his somewhat used SUV to a sushi restaurant! Folks, being on some form of financial aid does not make you "poor". Also, I recently heard a girl who had moved off-campus describe living on campus as a "prison". Anyone out there ever visited a prison? How about watched an episode of "Law and Order"?

On the other side of the scales, I believe we should demand certain things in their proper context. This is why I chafe when a sit-down restaurant, where I am presumably paying for more than fast food, offers only a 1/4 lb burger. Especially if they have the nerve to call it "deluxe".

Everyone who has gone camping (and believe me, Ramit knows camping - ask him about the Big Sur trip in the summer of 2002) has seen this one: You move around the campfire to avoid the smoke, and it follows you everywhere you go, within a second of moving there. It really is out to get you.

People who are painfully insecure and laugh nervously at the end of their own sentences. I swear, I have one friend who does this after every single obvious statement he makes, and what's more, it's not even a normal laugh, but a "huh-huh" - like he's Beavis & Butthead! Several times lately I have been within one box of Franzia of beating him upside the head the next time I hear "huh-huh".

Things are busy but never fear

Graduation is coming up, so things are a little crazy around here, hence the lack of new posts. As soon as graduation comes, I'll be back on my regular schedule.

Also, for this week, we have a special guest blogger: Gabe, whose piercingly bitter comments have all gotten us through the day, will be guest blogging every day this week.

-Ramit

Vexation

People who do really boring stuff with their jobs. Isn't life too short to do something that's not even worth talking about?

Even worse, people who do boring stuff but think it's important. Examples: lots of government employees in DC, Microsoft (sliding menus are NOT innovation), and most people in finance

Chemlawn, literally the most incompetent lawn-care company that has ever existed. For some reason, we used to use them to fertilize our lawn. WE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL THEM BACK TO COME DO IT AGAIN, BECAUSE THEY WOULD STICK THE SIGNS ON OUR LAWN AS IF THEY'D DONE IT, BUT THEY DID NOTHING. Ok the rest of the story is really long and boring, but suffice it to say that NEVER USE CHEMLAWN.

WEB SITES THAT REQUIRE YOU TO TYPE WWW.DOMAIN.COM, NOT JUST DOMAIN.COM. THIS IS A SIMPLE TECHNICAL DETAIL THAT CAN EASILY BE FIXED. GOD I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Papercuts

Investment newsletters that force you to focus on short-term results

iTunes. Yeah, I said it. What other MP3 software is slow, not intuitive, and just plain sucks? Not Winamp, that's for sure.

Any presenter that feels the need to have an Agenda slide in their PowerPoint presentation. Please, show, don't tell. What's funny about PowerPoint presentations is that we all hate them--yet we all contiue making the same horrible presentations. In my strategy class, for example, we learned a bunch of models/frameworks to analyze corporate strategies. So when the first group began their presentation with complicated slides on 5 Forces and Value Net analyses, everyone looked bored out of their minds. Students don't care about that crap from other students. Yet EVERY other group did the same thing. HOW ABOUT ASKING YOURSELF IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR OWN PRESENTATION?

Aggravation

The way consultants always use those stupid teal-colored arrows in their Powerpoint presentations

I despise the sweat-inducing properties of nylon fabric. This happens when you're wearing nylon pants or a nylon shirt and you're walking around but finally get back to your room, and it feels like you are going to die of sweat. Thank you dear god for inventing cotton

Running out of something you really need (toothpaste, soap, etc) when you are really busy, like during finals. It really would only take 5 minutes to walk to the store to buy some, but you just don't want to. WHY

When a really good song is too short

People you send a NYTimes.com link to and they say, "Ugh, it requires a password, never mind." First of all, what planet have you been living on to have not read anything off of NYTimes.com in the last 5 years? Second, it's FREE. And as Gabe eloquently pointed out in his last comment, can we please stop taking pride in not reading?

People who insist on getting statistically valid, large-scale datasets in order to make a decision, rather than quick prototyping and iterations based on n=10 or 20 or even 5. When writing a paper, these people are the ones who spend 80% of their time doing a literature review and only 20% coming up with original ideas. In business, these morons are generally older middle-management people who are used to looking through piles of paper to seem busy. Adopting this tactic, of course, makes it easy to justify why they move and think so slowly: "We need more data!" Now, I'm not that smart, but I've done a lot of design and basically these people don't know what they're talking about. RAPID PROTOTYPING AND ITERATION, ITERATION, ITERATION ARE THE WAY TO GO. I could point you to 89159154 experts and reports showing you, but I'll just tell you here. Instead of researching, having meetings, creating committees, and creating a massive infrastructure to see if you should change an icon's color from red to green, try doing a theory-based A/B test and then modify your design and re-test it over and over. Try telling this to one of the old-time bosses that believe in formal reports, though, and see where it gets you

The way it takes > 10 seconds to open a PDF file

Anybody who lies and says, "Oh man, I really messed up that test BAD" and then gets an 86. I WILL HIT YOU

When you ask people "Where do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we rent?" and it takes an executive committee to decide something among 3+ people. Sometimes I just say "McDonald's or Jack in the Box?" FEWER CHOICES = 10 HOURS SAVED

Random updates you should know about

Hi,

Here are 5 things you should know about:

1. Lots and lots of people have posted comments to OLD posts that you probably haven't read. A lot of them made me laugh out loud. Try browsing through the old entries to see new comments.

2. Here are some of the keywords people have used on Yahoo/Google to find this site (from my logs). A lot of these are completely absurd.

-weird things that look like things that tell you whether they'are real or not
-bullshitters
-lindsey lohan dieting
-i hate fake ass people
-list of things that old ladies carry in their purses
-i hate when people put the number of finals they have to take as away message
-girls tongues up guys assholes video
-young people selling their bodies for material things
-who/when was gucci clothing invented
-doesn't reply mail etiquette
-things i hate

3. Blatant advertising for myself
-You might know that I run a t-shirt company at http://www.BitterShirts.com. Readers of this blog get a discount if you want a shirt, so email me for the code and I'll hook you up
-I also run a personal-finance site called IWillTeachYouToBeRich.com, where I make fun of the stupid things people do with money and teach you how to manage your own. Check it out.
-For the thousands and thousands of corporate executives who read this site (that is a lie), I also do consulting on viral marketing, usability, and college recruiting. I'm sure this one will really pay off by posting on my Things I Hate blog!!!!!
-You can read more stuff of mine at http://www.stanford.edu/~ramit

4. If you're a new reader of Things I Hate, send me an email and let me know how you found this site. I'm interested to know. And please tell your friends about it!

5. I have some cool new stuff coming up in the next couple months for this site, so stay tuned...

Thanks,

-Ramit

Invidiousness

My stupid male friends who have NO FEMALE FRIENDS = CAN'T GET INTO ANY CLUBS = ALWAYS BRING 10 OTHER GUYS WITH THEM. ANGER!!!!!! Wtf is wrong with you? Let me name off their first initials so they know who I'm talking about: V, P, J, ABCJKASIFOJELKMDOUGASFJKZTPXANSFASIUASF ALL OF YOU

Stupid rational economic arguments that completely fail to take social, personality, or other psychological factors into effect. "People should act like X," a dumb economist might say--to which anyone who knows anything might reply "BUT THEY DON'T!!!" I think economists do some cool work, and the intersection of psychology and economics is truly awesome. But people don't always behave in rational ways, so please stop building useless models around that. Thanks

Mail-in rebates

Workplace politics, including turf wars and ego battles. For a project I was working on, I redesigned a system to be a lot quicker and more efficient. When I went into the meeting to present my design, one of the guys was REALLY antagonistic: "Well, what about this? What about that? You didn't do X, Y, and Z." He was not persuaded by the DATA I HAD COMPILED SHOWING THE NEW SYSTEM WAS OBJECTIVELY BETTER AND MORE EFFECTIVE. As I walked out of the meeting, wondering what the hell was going on, I discovered the real reason: That guy had invented the original system

When somebody raises their hand in class after somebody else just commented and says, "Just to agree with what she just said..." -- STOP. STOP NOW!! We don't need your agreement with a point that was made 5 seconds ago! PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING NEW

When it comes to tipping, my tips have a huge amount of variance: If I get excellent service, I will give a really big tip, but if I get terrible service, I am happy to leave nothing. The problem is when you go out with a group of people, and here I specifically mean girls. See, girls WILL NOT LET YOU TIP $0. No matter HOW bad the service is, you end up looking like the bad guy. I've been out with friends where we were all PISSED at the service, but when the bill comes, what happens? "Oh...she wasn't that bad. You can't give her nothing! At least give her 10%!" By the time they frantically kick in money (and the guys then have to, reluctantly), we've tipped 20%. This strikes me disingenuous and dumb. Why tip someone who did a POOR JOB? Their ONLY job at that moment is to do a good job serving. Smile, check on our drinks, and that's IT! But if you're with a group of people, just suck it up and kick in the cash, learning from my mistakes. And as I type this, this has become an Oprah-esque saga. Many apologies

Sucka MCs

Exasperation

Plaxo, the service that is supposed to let you stay in contact with a bunch of people. Basically, it goes through your contacts and sends them an email every once in a while saying "Hey, is this information I have on you correct? If not, update it here." The contacts can then update their name/email address/URL/etc online and the information supposedly stays current. Plaxo is stupid for so many reasons. First of all, while I genuinely appreciate how hard it is to manage a lot of contacts, there is something about being just another person in your contact list that is quite distasteful. I just got a Plaxo request from someone that I KNOW and I deleted it; Plaxo makes it completely impersonal. AND THE WORST PART OF PLAXO IS THAT IT HASN'T ADDED ANY SUBSTANTIAL FEATURES IN OVER 2 YEARS. This is despite--or maybe because of--its tremendous amount of VC funding. Give me a god damn break, please. Plaxo, if you want to learn about building relationships and viral marketing, send me an email.

DOWNLOADING AT 1.6K EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BROADBAND

People who think ordinary actions are "gay," like putting lotion on one's hands. These are usually uneducated, provincial specimens of the male gender

The utter stupidity of the bloggers who think that (1) everyone else is a blogger and (2) everything they say is critically important and (3) The Man is always trying to keep them down. Have you ever read Slashdot or another popular site's comments? It's like watching a feeding frenzy of leeches, only these ones are uneducated, have a mob mentality, and don't listen to reason. LISTEN UP PEOPLE: LESS THAN HALF OF AMERICANS READ BLOGS AND WHILE YOUR INSULAR BLOGOSPHERE HAS A LOT OF POSTS/TRACKBACKS/COMMENTS, IT IS A SMALL BUBBLE. Please, get over yourselves

People who prefer to complain about something but don't want to do anything about it

Wrinkles in my clothing after I unpack my traveling bag. WHY DO YOU EXIST EXCEPT TO DESECRATE MY CLOTHING, WRINKLES

People who say, "But Ramit, aren't you afraid recruiters will read this site and not give you a job?" What kind of reasoning is that? So you're basically saying, "Don't do what you really want because 'some' unknown recruiter MIGHT read this page and not like it." Would you want to work for this hypothetical company anyway? I think companies like real people anyway, not god damn robots

Gas stations that close at night

I'm all about spending money on the things you love. I've written about this before (Irrational but good things to buy). But I hate people who buy the best of EVERYTHING with no sense of prioritization. It's not like your life is THAT much better with your Paul Mitchell shampoo, Prada bag (or Gucci men's wallet), Abercrombie hat, Lexus car, brand-new Apple PowerBook, Mont Blanc pen (I really hate you now), Rowenta iron, and Tide detergent. I was reading a magazine yesterday and I saw a god damn umbrella for $315. The quote was "It's built to last for years and it looks damn good." HEY MORON, IF WE DO AN ANALYSIS I CAN BUY APPROXIMATELY 8732578235 BILLION REPLACEMENTS OF THE WALMART UMBRELLA I CARRY AROUND. I would throw the copywriter of this ad off a balcony if I saw him

Scorn

FAKE-ASS PEOPLE WHO SPEAK LIKE THEY ARE MADE OUT OF WAX. Here's a simple way to tell: When they're making a presentation, they use phrases like "we must evolve our common perception of" and "it is critically important to engender blah blah blah." HEY. DO YOU TALK LIKE THAT TO FRIENDS? There is nothing more sad and frustrating than seeing someone giving a presentation like this, thinking it will impress people. USE WORDS THAT YOU WOULD USE IN NORMAL CONVERSATION. ALSO, STOP MEMORIZING YOUR GOD DAMNED PRESENTATION AND LEARN HOW TO SPEAK CONVERSATIONALLY. Thanks (not "thank you").

Idiots who try to get 283523958923 friends on the The FaceBook (people they DON'T EVEN KNOW) for no good reason. Does it really make you feel good?

2-door cars

I was in a meeting just now and missed SIX calls from a "Restricted ID" number. HEY I HAVE AN IDEA, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE? This god damned phenonenon is rampant among friends, which is fine because they can see each other's numbers. But it is the pinnacle of unprofessional to not leave a message when you're doing business--or if you call someone SIX TIMES IN 1 HOUR!!! God damn it!!!!!! UPDATE: I later determined that it was my brother calling. Good job fool

Companies that try to use "cool" design for no good reason. These are the companies that list their phone numbers as 866.255.5555. WHY NOT USE THE TIME-HONORED (866) 255-5555? Or note MTV, which uses this notation:
__1.2 million viewers___

Wood floors. I don't understand why these are so sought after. They suck and are unpleasant to your feet.

People who treat their parents rudely. Holy shit what is wrong with this country? You hear a mom saying "What time will you be back?" (A VERY REASONABLE QUESTION) and the kid snaps back, "God, I'll be back later, MOM! I don't KNOW!" No wonder you're going to send your parents to an old-folks home and your kids will do the same to you. Enjoy the bingo. I wouldn't DREAM of talking to my parents like that

Along the same line, any kid who gets a car and then (1) doesn't let their other family members drive it OR (2) says "I'm going for a drive in MY car." Trust me, kiddy, unless you've earned the $8,000 for that car and pay the $3,000/year for your hyperinflated insurance, IT'S NOT YOUR CAR. HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TAKE OWNERSHIP OF SOMETHING THAT'S NOT YOURS!!!

We've all seen this: people who haven't read the text for class, but, feeling they have to say something, raise their hand and start talking about some really personal story that starts out with their personal life: "In my experience..."

Disgust

The sound of your own voice after the song ends

People who say, "Hey, can I see your glasses?" and then say "Wow!! That's a really strong prescription!!" Gee you are original

People who suggest that P2P systems (peer-to-peer programs like Kazaa) should be used by companies to distribute their software. This is their excuse for advocating that Kazaa, etc, should be legal--because they have such redeeming uses. Yes, the arguments are complex around this, but one thing is clear: NO COMPANY IN ITS RIGHT MIND WOULD DISTRIBUTE SOFTWARE THROUGH P2P TODAY!! Why would they? So it can be cracked instantly and circulated among the downloaders? Yes, it will be cracked anyway, but why would a company exclusively distribute to a polluted source? That's like me being Toys R Us and only selling my toys at a garbage dumb. "But Ramit," people say, "companies can save on bandwidth! People will download off each other!" Wow, cool, considering bandwidth is the ultimate commodity and broadband is increasingly widespread. Please, give me a fucking break. Let's come up with some other reasons for P2P to exist besides the supposed value of cash-rich companies being able to distribute software through it to save money. Sorry this was a long rant, but I truly hate idiocy of this type.

Tailgating: What is it about being in a metal contraption that gives us a sense of invulnerability? This is like getting mugged and then following the mugger as he runs away, all the while tapping him on the shoulder. WHY

Rappers who rap about having sex with married women. WHERE IS YOUR LONG-TERM VISION?!? WHAT WILL YOUR FUTURE WIFE SAY? HOW WILL SHE TRUST YOU?! It is of course possible that I'm completely out of touch with rappers, but I find that hard to believe

ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T REPLY TO EVITES. I'M TALKING TO YOU, JACKASSES. How inconsiderate is that?! IT TAKES 5 SECONDS. NOT SURE? TRY THE "MAYBE" OPTION. GOD I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!

The way we automatically stigmatize certain things as "poor," like people standing in line for the bus

Pre-frayed and pre-washed-out clothes, like the jeans you buy that look like they're 10 years old. I have a novel idea for you morons that buy this stuff: How about you actually WEAR YOUR CLOTHES FOR LONGER THAN 6 MONTHS before you cast them off? "But Ramit," you might say, "you don't understand fashion. You CAN'T WEAR those jeans--they're out of style." You stupid bastard, do you realize that you're funding a company whose sole purpose is to take your money for being STUPID?! ARGGGGGGGHGHHG

Weak handshakes

Contradistinction

Bullshitters whose strategy is totally transparent. Some strategies they use:
-When they've been assigned something to do and they didn't finish it, their response is truly wondrous. They'll say, "Well, I didn't get to do that, but did you look at the prospectus? And can you get me the updated figures on the 1099 because I need..."
-Play dumb and friendly but be truly manipulative behind closed doors. These are the people who often seem so nice but their machinations are only apparent when you see these fleeting, terrifying looks flash across their face like the bad guy in Ghostbusters II

Hey jackass. I can see right through you and so can everyone else. The bullshitters actually do very well until they go against another bullshitter, and then it's a clash of the titans

Isn't it weird in our culture that if a woman gets mad, she can throw her husband out of the bed, but a man wouldn't ever throw his wife out of bed?

People, especially adults, who look at me pityingly and say "Have you lost weight?" No, sir, I have not. Also, do I point out how your destructive lifestyle of working 80 hours/wk, eating Hot Pockets every night, and no exercise is leading directly to your pot belly? No, because I am polite. Also, just because I have the figure of a supermodel (sadly, a female one, not male) don't hate

Untestable theories

The vast majority of people who think they can tell the difference in taste among Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, and Diet Pepsi. For that matter, anyone who is "sure" they can tell the difference between ANY tastes. I invite you to a blind taste test to challenge your assumptions. Cool fact: One of the Mondavis (wine makers) came to a class and told us a shocking fact. They did a blind test of expert wine testers (you know, the ones who use words like "oaky" and "rich body" to rate wines) and, when red and white wines were artificially colored to look the same, OVER 50% could not tell the difference in taste between red wine and white wine.

Movies before 1985

The phrase "I feel badly," because it is wrong unless you are relatively bad at evaluating your emotions

I am so tired of hearing people say "Yeah, I should do (whatever)." This is particularly noticeable for young, stupid people talking about things that are really good for them; for example, exercising, asking people for job advice, finishing their work, whatever. We might as well change "should" to "am not going to" and dispense with the pleasantries

Animus

Anybody who, when you're making a broad point and say something like "Old people are conservative with their investments," responds with "Well, my grandpa is TOTALLY aggressive and he buys all kinds of stock!!" or "That's a broad generalization." YES OF COURSE THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY BROAD STATEMENT, BUT THE POINT IS THAT IT'S A GENERAL OBSERVATION. GOD DAMN IT!!! Also, your grandpa has a gambling problem.

When people correct you but they are WRONG. On a paper last quarter, I wrote something like "One's self-concept comprises role identities in..." and the prof crossed it out to say "is comprised of" NO NO NO

Emails with (1) no subject line or (2) something like "Class project"

Government overspending on STUPID STUFF. I know someone who works for a very big state agency who told me this incredible story: They invest in certain local technologies hoping that one hits. Unbelievably, there is no accountability. Out of all the people in the office, there are only 2 people with profitable investments (this person was one of them). I asked, "Well, what's the goal? To at least make your money back, right?" An inquisitive mind, you can see. But get ready for the response:
"No, the goal is to give away all of the money each year." That's right, if these employees don't HAND OUT ALL THE MONEY by the end of the year, the Big Bosses don't think they need that much money, so their budget gets cut the next year. OH MY GOD DO I EVEN NEED TO BEGIN SYSTEMATICALLY DEMOLISHING THE LOGIC OF SUCH INEFFICIENCY

Rayon

The uncomfortable laughter that society compels women to use in order to feminize or soften something said authoritatively or boldly. I had a TA who obviously knew the material but would demean herself in order not to come off too strong ("How do you say this? On-to-log-ical?").

People afraid to fire someone/quit/make a tough decision because the other person is "nice"

Cartoons in newspapers BECAUSE THEY ARE NEVER FUNNY

ANYBODY WHO THINKS THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FOOD OR DIETING WITHOUT READING ANY REAL LITERATURE ON THE SUBJECT. This is the worst kind of ignorance, sort of like that jackass guy in high-school gym who used to INSIST that "Yellow #5" made your sperm
impotent. I simply don't understand how people parade around acting like they know exactly how fats, carbohydrates, protein, fiber, etc works on the body. THIS IS COMPLICATED SHIT!!! YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT FROM READING THE NEWSPAPER. GOD!!!!! Please stop telling me you know all about how eating food affects people, and please stop telling me about the efficacy of certain diets ("Atkins only works if you eat 150 carrots per day" "South Beach isn't effective because of blah blah blah"). YOU ARE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL INFANT TELLING A NUCLEAR ENGINEER HOW TO WORK. (It was pointed out to me that "GIRL" is a sexist stereotype, which I think is a good point.)

Malice

People who have no personality. Not a bad personality--just no discernible personality traits whatsoever. In effect, they are just boring mounds of flesh. These are the people you describe as "nice" but can't think of any other descriptions. Are you this kind of person? Ask yourself this:
-When was the last time you asked the people around you something about themselves other than "How's it going?"
-When was the last time you answered "How's it going?" with something other than "not much"?
-When was the last time you told them something about yourself--unsolicited--that incited a conversation between you two?
-When was the last time you added value to any interaction other than just being there?
IF THE ANSWER IS NEVER YOU ARE TAKING OTHERS' VALUABLE OXYGEN AND I SERIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU EXIST

Anyone who criticizes someone else for changing their mind. For some reason, it's become popular to make a decision and stick by it no matter what. This is idiotic. I have tons of respect for people who make a decision and, recognizing they were wrong, change their mind.

Tater tots. They are not good

When there's only 1 good track on a CD

People who overuse sports analogies. This is partly because I don't understand them, but when they are like "He just has to step up to the plate! He just has to hit a double! He only has to bunt! He only has to throw in the bullpen!" I want to throw something at them. Maybe a whiffleball just for the indiginity of it

I hate almost everything about drycleaning. I hate having to spend more money for maintenance when I buy an expensive piece of clothing. I hate that dry cleaning seems inherently fraudulent and there are all kinds of hassles in terms of getting out of my chair to do something. Finally, I truly hate people who dry clean things that don't really need to be dry cleaned just because it's glamorous, they think their cotton shirt really needs dry cleaning, or they are just incredibly lazy

Absolutely any latency from my keyboard to screen when typing

People who have a slightly different name, and you ask them "What do you prefer, Ricky or Ricardo?" and they shrug and say "I don't really care." Can you please just tell me what you prefer so I don't have to wonder about this for the rest of the day?

People who don't understand the difference between being cheap and being frugal

Here's the RSS feed for Things I Hate

As requested, here's the RSS feed for Things I Hate:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/ThingsIHate
What is this?
If you use something called an RSS aggregator, you can easily track the blogs that you read. That includes Things I Hate. Bloglines (or any other RSS aggregator) makes it easy to know when a blog is updated.

It's free and pretty easy to use.

Why would I use an RSS aggregator?
If you read more than 3 blogs, an RSS aggregator makes it easy to track when the blogs are updated. You can also read everything from just one page.

So how do I do it?

(Use Yahoo to track Things I Hate)

(Or use Bloglines)

I think you are stupid and I don't understand all these big words you are writing.
That's ok, you don't have to use an RSS aggregator to read this site. Ignore all of this if you don't understand it. Just keep coming back to Things I Hate to see updates!

I love you and I think you are a visionary. Also, I am a really hot girl.
Please get in touch and we can discuss corporate consulting offers, etc.

Disdain

People who start a Web site and immediately want to start selling ads. Maybe you haven't noticed, but things have changed since the time of Gutenberg. Instead of trying to cash in on short-term success, why not build something extraordinary around a community of people who actually like your work? Basically I am saying I want you all to send me a lot of money

People who clap REALLY loudly, usually to be jackasses

The amazing inability for young people to effectively set priorities. People will complain about "not having enough time" but they'll spend 75 hours doing their 4-year plan during finals. Or they'll be "too busy" to get business cards or clean out their email or stay in touch with old friends. Note the pattern: THESE ARE ALL GOOD THINGS. When people say "I don't have time to do that," ask them what they'd do if some big company in New York offered to fly them out to give them a prestigious award tomorrow. They'd shift priorities, right? If something's important, you can make the time. Christ

People who want to leave college as soon as possible so they can...what? Join the rest of the real world and be like everyone else? I truly hate the grass-is-greener syndrome

Organizations/people that provide 2 email addresses to reach them. This is dumb--why confuse people? Offer one point of contact and cut down on redunancy

I teach a 1-hour personal-finance class and at the end, I hand out a signup sheet for the newsletter; people can just put their email addresses on it if they're interested. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WRITE UNINTELLIGIBLY. I just don't understand making it impossible to read when YOU ARE REQUESTING TO BE SIGNED UP FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT

Stupid educational policies involving technology and education, like giving away IPods to students (ooh that will make them learn better)

On a related note, you might have noticed I wrote IPods, not iPods (this sort of destroys my argument, but "Ipods" looks weird). I hate people who insist on using the actual product names (with the company's marketing punctuation/capitalization) when they write about them. If you use them yourself, cool, but if you insist others do the same, you are a moron. Why? I don't really know if your paper has to be a sales brochure for companies. Would you write "In terms of market capitalization and acquisitions, Yahoo! rivals even the biggest..." NO!!!

People who call you, ask for someone, you tell them they have the wrong number, and they act annoyed. HEY JACKASS YOU CALLED ME

Umbrage

Thanks for the suggestions for new titles!

The idiotic media who follow celebrities. Have you no life? Don't you have anything better to do than follow around someone else simply because they're "famous"? Are you likeable at all? The answer to all these questions is no

Anyone who says "water doesn't help with spicy food--you have to drink milk." Let's just examine this for a moment, please: ARE YOU REALLY TELLING ME, IN GOOD FAITH, THAT YOU THINK WATER DOESN'T HELP WITH SPICY FOOD AT ALL? How can anyone honestly say that and keep a straight face? The larger hatred here is people who say things that they've heard without USING THEIR COMMONSENSE. Let's do a reality check people

People who repeatedly hear that persistence is the key to success, and they even say it's important, but when it comes down to it, they are utterly incompetent and scared to do anything. They send one email to someone, don't hear a reply, and immediately assume the person doesn't want to talk to them/isn't interested. THAT IS SO DUMB. From someone who has been on both sides of the table (asking to meet busy people and being busy), I really do want to talk to you if you took the time to email me. I'm just busy and might have forgotten about you or gotten sidetracked on some project. Email again or (gasp) call until you get my attention!! THAT is persistence

When the collars on my shirt get streched out

The way girls are instantly seduced by a man playing a guitar. What is up with this? I remember when Dave Matthews used to be "soooo hot." I asked--actually, I told them--LOOK, he is objectively NOT HOT! He has a pot belly and is balding. The reply was always the same: "But he plays guitar... (dreamy eyes)" I am currently contemplating ways to take advantage of this gigantic vulnerability financially

Creamy peanut butter. It's not clear why anyone would intentionally forsake the goodness of the crunchy nuts

Finding out you've been saying a word wrong your whole life. You know how there are some words you read that are actually never said out loud? Freshman year, I was telling some story to about 10 of my friends in Branner. They were really into it and finally I got to the punchline. Then things went terribly wrong:

My punchline: What the hell did she think she was, chick?
My friends: Rapid, dead silence
Friends: "What did you just say."

Of course, I had meant to say CHIC. Only I had no idea how to pronounce it.

Me: (Frantically backpedaling) "Uhh....you know...like in style..."

I have never heard the end of that one.

People who get really mad at the airport counter, as if that's going to solve the problem. "Ah yes, sir, now that you've yelled at me for 15 minutes without stopping to listen, I truly understand your plight and I'm happy to help. Oh wait, sir, there is just one slight problem LIKE THERE AREN'T ANY MORE SEATS ON THE GODDAMN FLIGHT AND YELLING AT ME DEFINITELY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME JUMP THROUGH HOOPS FOR YOU." Anyway, find me in a Zen-like state, people-watching, at the airport

People who lurk in online communities but never say anything. Actually, I only hate this if the community is mine

People who quote themselves on their AIM profile

A contest, sort of

As you may have noticed, every entry on this blog has a similar theme:

Abomination
Bitterness
Hostility
Repugnance
Enmity
Infuriation
Aversion
Antipathy
Irascibility

Sadly, I'm running out of words, so I'm running a contest to get new ones for titles. Add comments to this post with your suggestions and let's all pray that there are more bitter words available in the English language.

Trenchancy

Any person who does not respect and love Jean-Luc Picard

Finding a typo in a paper you JUST turned in

Disgusting candy. The ONE thing candy is supposed to do is taste good. If it fails at that, WHY DOES IT EXIST!?!? IF YOU WERE A PERSON YOU WOULD BE DESTITUTE DESPITE SIMPLY BECAUSE OF YOUR INCOMPETENCE, NOT ANY SITUATIONAL INFLUENCES

The absolutely ludicrous prices of any binned foods like dried fruits, nuts, or candy. You know those bins that you can choose from. WHY DOES IT COST $7.99 PER HALF POUND?? Are the peanuts gold

Actually, let me discuss a few other preposterous prices:
-Room service meals: My family never ordered room service, so I tried to do it a couple of times on business trips. In Seattle, I ordered a chicken sandwich, fries, and a shake. Total price? $45.00. In Japan, a bowl of spaghetti and a HALF GLASS OF GRAPEFRUIT JUICE COST $35.00. Sadly, there's really no one to blame in this vicious game of room service. Companies will pay it because they're already inconveniencing their employees by making them travel. Employees treat room service as a given, like "You sent me to another state and you're going to nickel-and-dime me for a meal?" Plus, no one wants to eat out alone. And the hotels are like a satisfied cocaine dealer who's living on one investment he made 25 years ago. So while there's no single party to blame, I hate the whole process.
-Fancy cheeses. I see the dumb trophy wives at Andronico's in the middle of the day, shopping for their favorite cheese on the ENTIRE WALL OF CHEESE, and I just want to ask them why they are so useless. Let's eat some pepper jack cheese on Ritz crackers you pretentious people
-Premium gas. If you buy anything other than the cheapest gas and you are 99% of people reading this, you're dumb. I have written about this before: Saving on gas

Completely mangling a punchline

People who hear of something interesting/amusing/curious/dumb and disparagingly say, "she must have a lot of time on her hands." No, she probably just has far better time-management skills than you and enjoys doing cool things

Things that are pretty but suck. This is why so many engineers hate marketers (and often for good reason). I also want to direct my antagonism to Google Maps, which consistently gives me the most ROUNDABOUT WAY to get ANYWHERE. When I type in a simple address, it has me drive around from the back of campus for like 15 minutes. "But Ramit," people say, "the graphics are so pretty!" AND TOTALLY NONFUNCTIONAL. I hate you

Acidity

College students who close their door instead of leaving it open. Let's see, you're surrounded by the smartest, most attractive people you'll ever have around you so, gee, it seems perfectly natural to close your door to any social interaction!! When you are surrounded by people named Mildred and Gil at work, you will weep

People who complain about something, then you point something out (a solution, perhaps, or whatever) and they immediately shift into rationalization mode. "Well," they say (high-pitched tone), "it's not a big deal or anything. It's just that, like..." OH COOL IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU. GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU WASTED THE LAST 52 MINUTES OF EVERYONE'S LIFE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT REALLY DOESN'T BOTHER YOU!! THANKS!!!

This stupid post on another blog. I was so disgusted with it that I left the comment at the bottom of the page (by "R")

People who think slowly and speak accordingly

People who go over their time limit in a presentation. Trust me, once your time is up, nobody cares what you're saying. Shit, if Einstein had a 10:00-11:00 presentation and he unveiled e=mc2 at 11:02, 90% of the audience would already be zipping up their bags. I propose taser guns to remedy this problem

People who consistently fall asleep in class, yet they keep going back

People that think their only responsibility in a relationship is to be honest about how they feel. "What more do you want from me? I'm just telling you how I feel." No, you have to do more than that

When people attribute their successes entirely to luck instead of being honest about the hard work they did

Bellicoseness

The sad fact that we haven't devised etiquette for what happens if you're talking on the phone to someone and the connection drops--who calls back? I propose a new rule: If I call you and the connection goes bad, I call you back. THAT'S IT!!! SIMPLE

Companies that don't understand the world outside their small and insular culture consists of real people, not robots. Let me give you some examples:
-Companies that use 2386598239652 acronyms on their Web site, as if anyone knows (or cares) what they are
-Companies that create an FAQ that are not really frequently asked questions, but rather questions the companies WISH people would ask. Some notable examples: "How can I easily pay for your software right now?" and "How can I do more with your software?" How about putting this questions as the first in your FAQ? "What the hell does your product actually do?" Also, "Why do you have so many pictures of white people in business suits with their arms crossed on your Web site?"
---->Update: Here's a great example of NOT-FAQ: http://peppercoin.com/solution/faq/company/faq07.shtml
-Companies that put their job section at www.company.com/careers instead of the infinitely more common vernacular www.company.com/jobs

Let's try some empathy please you god damn corporate cogs

Anybody who says Nicole Kidman is hot

College students who only recruit at on-campus interviews, as if there are no other opportunities in America. "But Ramit," they say, "what do you expect?" Oh, I'm not sure, how about pursuing what you really want instead of getting it force-fed down your throat. It's like getting a firehose of vodka tonic forced down your throat and you don't necessarily even like vodka tonic, it's just what everyone else is having. That was a poor example and I am really sorry. But still, you know what I mean

Waking up and realizing that you smell

When people call it an ATM machine. What do you think the "M" stands for?

Woe

Getting to the last 3 fruit snacks in the bag and then dropping one of them on the floor

Bikers who bike in the middle of the lane. Yes, technically you can do this, but it's stupid. My mom told me I could be anything I want, but you'll never see "Ramit Sethi, PhD, Applied Mathematics" or "Ramit Sethi, Boxing Heavyweight Champion." Let's keep it real, please

Anyone who puts an Objectives section in their resume. In addition to my odd loves of ironing, pens, and salsa, I love working on resumes. PLEASE, IF YOU THINK PUTTING AN OBJECTIVES SECTION ON YOUR RESUME IS A GOOD IDEA, LET'S TALK SO I CAN YELL AT YOU ASGASRRHGHGJASJKFSAJKNKJKGSAG

Any jackass that says "to the extent that" THIS PHRASE IS MEANINGLESS

Anyone who writes about 2 choices, then says "the latter is blah while the former is blah." Why couldn't you just write out the choices instead of forcing me to refer back to what choice is first or second? Do you think I even remember what the two choices were? MAKE IT EASY ON YOUR READER

People who use the not-funny-anymore phrase, "If by X you mean (insert unrelated thing here)"

Somehow some girls insist on making guys do things we don't want to do. Dancing comes to mind, but I can remember an even better one: We went to Hawaii for one spring break. There were 4 guys and 4 girls and we discovered a horrible rift the first day. The girls all wanted to go to the beach--but all of us just wanted to sit in our hotel and watch TV. Ohh man, they got mad. "Why did you come to Hawaii? Just to watch TV in a hotel room? Couldn't you just do that at home?"

Yes and yes. I'll never forget watching MTV Spring Break in a Hawaii hotel room with my friends SWEET MEMORIES

Brain freezes, owwww

People with annoying tics, like tapping a pen on a glass for 20 minutes at the dinner table

When you go out to your car in the parking lot and the car next to you is REALLY close to you, making you mad at how long you have to take to squeeeeze into the door. But then you look around and realize that YOU were the one who parked poorly, so it's really your own fault. I'm not saying that this has ever happened to me, but it would make me angry at least in theory

Abomination

Comments are fixed now--click on "Comments" below this (or any) post to add your own.

Bullshit strong buy/buy/hold/sell recommendations from investment analysts, who always hedge their bets by using phrases like "in many ways" and "near-term uptake could drive revenues higher"

People who erase your original email when they reply. I send hundreds of emails per day and can't even remember what I wrote 3 minutes ago. PLEASE DON'T ERASE WHAT I WROTE!!! IT IS MY ONLY MEMORY

People, usually reporters, who refer to CIA agents. The CIA employees you typically think of are CIA officers, not agents!!!

Interstitial ads

People who say they're too old to trick-or-treat

Girls who argue that their showers are equally as perilous as guy's, hence their use of shower slippers. WRONG!! Think about this

People who turn the misery they caused you into something very positive. These are the people who
-You don't like very much (if it's a friend, this whole point is moot)
-Inexplicably call you to pick them up from the airport, etc
-45 minutes before you have to be there
-Then they say something like, "Well, it'll be rush hour, but luckily I'll be in the car so we can go in the carpool lane!!!"

OH THANK YOU SIR!! CAN I TAKE YOU OUT FOR DINNER AND DRINKS TOO!?

Guys who are walking with a girl and walk 2-3 paces ahead of her. Yes, your strides are longer. Try not to make her uncomfortable by constantly feeling like she's falling behind, jackass

When someone says something and you have a REALLY clever/funny reply, but someone else changes the subject. Now you're stuck deciding whether to say your joke, which was funny 2 minutes ago (and risk looking like someone who desperately holds onto a joke for like 83295235 hours) or not say your joke and let the world miss your brilliance forever. Choices like this are what keep me awake at night

Enmity

YES, back from vacation...

Although my weight and taste in music may suggest otherwise, I am in fact an able-bodied man. Still, I find it VERY AGGRAVATING WHEN I CANNOT OPEN A PACKAGE OF SOMETHING I BOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I'm talking about the plastic that now surrounds every electronic accessory you buy. It takes the god damn jaws of life to open it. I only hope that one day I try to return one of these packages and the clerk dares to say "but you opened it--we can't take that package back." On that day, I will let loose with the full fury of my ire directed towards this type of plastic and the clerk's incompetence. On a sidenote, I also hate the scientists that invented this type of moldable plastic

Techno remixes of songs that just don't need to be remixed. Why did you have to touch "Phil Collins - Take A Look At Me Now" with a techno beat? WHY

Having to carry around a lot of change (coins) all day

Restaurants that describe their own food in superlative terms, like they'll call their chicken "Delicious chicken." You can't do that shit. Do I walk around calling myself "Ramit Sethi, entrepreneur?" Oh...wait

When you get a group of people going out to eat and someone turns down your invitation because they don't like that kind of food. The point isn't the type of food, it's to hang out!! GRR

CORSETS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH

Anyone above the age of 7 who gets in an argument and walks away or hangs up the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that turns me off more

Hearing a million choices when you order something
Me: "I'll have a salad"
Waiter: "Ok sir, what kind of leaves? Dressing? Hot or cold? What type?"

JUST GET ME A SALAD YOU JACKASS. Also, I was honestly stunned when I started ordering waters a few years ago and they asked if I wanted tap water or bottled water. Look at me. Do I honestly look like I would order bottled water?

People who highlight everything on the page. You're useless and a robot will probably take your job soon

Infuriation

Girls who buy $400 heels and then wear jeans that touch the floor so no one can see them. Shit, if I bought shoes from anyplace other than Payless, I'd wear the shortest shorts along with 2 gigantic arrows (one on each leg) pointing down to my shoes. These arrows would also have blinking, Vegas-like lights

People who don't do things they've heard a million times, like "diversify your portfolio" or "look both ways before you cross the street"

Japanese food is not that good

When Person 1 goes to Person 2 with a question, but ends up explaining the very concept he has a question about:

Person 1: "Hey, do you know how to calculate a Riemann sum?"
Person 2: (Clearly doesn't know but pretends he has an idea) "Well, what exactly are you trying to do? Hmm, are you sure you did the calculation right? Because if you don't do the summation at the right place..."
Person 3: (Now sucked into explaining the very question he had) "No, see if you take the summation first and then divice by X, you find the sum here..."

Ok, we see a couple of things here. First of all, I have no idea how to calculate a Riemann sum. BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANT--STOP. You came here with a question. Now look what you're doing--you're explaining the very concept you had a question about! All because Person 2 was too insecure to say "I don't know" and you were too stupid/cowardly to move on once that become apparent. Both of you have earned my ire

Telecom, the most boring industry of all

Stupid handstamps given at nightclubs that have no real meaning except symbolic and to make the bouncer feel cool. Especially stupid Old Pro in Palo Alto, where they draw a big huge "O" on your hand WITH PERMANENT MARKER

It's vacation time, so no updates for a while...

Aversion

Getting cockblocked by an inanimate object. When I would be staring at someone in the New York subway, too often the metal pole in the subway would get in the way or the train door would close. The result? A uniting of these forces to serve only one purpose: to block my view and, accordingly, to cockblock my mission. Oh how I curse you inanimate objects

The fact that girls can go out with only $20 for an entire night

People who inanely quote Seinfeld and The Simpsons. And by god, if you hear one quote, you know you're in trouble. It's like god damn cockroaches: Where there's one, there's bound to be 10,000 more.

Professors who say, "Now, I don't really like to lecture. I prefer to have this be more of a discussion" AND THEN PROCEED TO LECTURE FOR 90 MINUTES

People who occasionally remember the intricate details of something and then claim they have a "pretty good" photographic memory. No, you don't. If you did, you'd know! Trust me. Cool fact: Photographic memories are almost exclusively found in children.

People who make the same mistake twice. PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS

Bic pens. Maybe I'm a pen snob, but so be it. By the way, I may be launching a pen blog soon

People who trail off at the end of whatever they're saying. I see two possible explanations:
1. You don't know how to speak English properly
2. Everything you say is so unimportant that people just cut you off to spare their sanity, and you now anticipate it

Antipathy

People who don't realize it's not just WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. I recently saw someone teaching college students the value of networking. Afterwards, he was dismayed at the students' lack of interest: "Why didn't any of them ask questions? They didn't seem connected. I wish they realized how important this is for their future." Oh, I don't know, perhaps it was the awkward, unrehearsed joke you told at the beginning, the way you said "Are there any questions?" without really pausing, or the cocky, smarmy way you described yourself in your intro. Maybe

NIH syndrome (look it up)

The sad fact that as you advance in life, it becomes less and less acceptable to say what you really think. Do you think the CEO of GE could write a blog called Things I Hate? Of course, it's possible that he doesn't hate as many things as I do, but I find that unlikely

ATM transaction fees

People who get an assignment in class and then are stricken by the page length. "Well, it says 12 pages, but is 10 ok? What if I go over 2 pages?" Uh, the point isn't to be EXACTLY 12 pages--it's a ballpark so people don't turn in 2 pages or 30 pages, jackass

People who metacognate. This is when people say something, then comment on what they were thinking (or when they comment on what they are doing right now). IT IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE WORLD.

Person 1: "Where should we go to dinner now?"
Person 2: "Well, we should go to eat...oh, you mean, where should we eat now?"
Person 1: "Yeah"
Person 2: "Oh, sorry, I was just, I mean, I thought you meant blah blah so I said blah blah blah"

LISTEN. NOBODY REALLY NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR INTERNAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES. Life is not a god damn think-aloud McKinsey interview. Christ

Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a secret about guys. When they (we) walk around, guys have a very colorful cognitive process going on. They see a girl and this is what they say: "I'd let her do me." Or, if she just glances at him, "She wants me"

Just FYI

Ah yes. People who say "I just hang up my shirt in the bathroom and run the shower to get rid of wrinkles." That's like saying that you take your Rolls Royce and put it out in a snowstorm to wash it. PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT EFFECTIVE IRONING PRACTICES

Irascibility

Any tests where the answer choice has (A), (B), (C), (D), and then (E) is "none of the above." DAMNIT!!!

People who pay their money and then take 22 minutes to put their money/checks/change away in their wallet/purse at the checkout lane. I'm sure you can put your checkbook away later, Mildred

Anybody who puts a splash page on their Web site

Finals week starts today. Some signs you haven't slept enough:
-Toothbrush is still wet
-You have to take a nap--at 7:00am
-Not ONE new email since went to sleep
-No ability to show pleasant facial expressions, even in the face of the funniest jokes

When you go to a breakfast restaurant like IHOP and order orange juice, which they of course bring out immediately. Then when your meal comes, you say "Could I have a refill?" and the waitress replies, "That will be $2.00." THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. FIRST OF ALL, I could hitchhike to Florida and milk 10 god damn oranges for that price. $2.00 for a glass of JUICE? Do we live on Neptune? Second, could you perhaps put that conspicuously on your menu, instead of size 2 font? And finally, if all else fails, don't bring it out until I have my meal. I would rather sip water and enjoy the deliciousness of orange juice with my food, if that's ok with you

Anybody who is debating something with you, points out that you've made a slight flaw/incorrect fact, and then assumes your ENTIRE argument is wrong

YOU
ARE
DUMB

When you ask someone to do something and they respond with the most TRIVIAL reasons not to: "No...I'd have to get gas" or "Well...it's kind of dark outside." YES THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING OUT--BECAUSE IT'S NIGHT TIME WHEN YOUNG PEOPLE GO OUT. The best part is when you respond to each of their complaints, addressing them one by one. Sometimes, if you're lucky, they'll just break down and say "Well, I just really don't want to go." Why not just say that in the first place? I hate you

Professors who write a book and, on their bio, say "Michael James is Professor of Psychology at..." NO--you are "a professor of psychology..." TRUST ME ON THIS

The next social-networking site, yawn

Embitterment

You know, I've gotten a lot of heat about my hatred of guacamole. And I don't think it's just guacamole. I thought long and hard about the underlying hatred and I think I've got it: I hate it when people like something that TASTES LIKE NOTHING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GUACAMOLE HAS NO TASTE WHATSOEVER. This is the exact problem with tofu. People are always like, "I looooooooove tofu!!!" Oh, I see, you love a lumpy, tasteless, substance? "Well maybe you haven't had GOOD tofu," you might say if you are stupid. So yes--I hate guacamole and anything else with no taste. Yeah, I said it.

Any Web designer who thinks validation/accessibility is more important than actual good design

Kites

Email clients that put your reply BENEATH the original message. Why must you force me to scroll to read what you wrote?

Anybody whose voicemail message on their phone is long and deailed, saying "Please leave your name, number, and the time you called." THIS IS 2005. PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE VOICEMAIL. That would be like me instructing people how to use the doorknob when they get to my house

Folding fitted sheets. Also, putting them on your bed

People who suggest you should be in a relationship, like "why don't you have a boyfriend?" How lame must you be to stoop this low for a cheap laugh? Or, worse yet, for you actually mean it? Also, anyone who falls prey to this stupid phenomenon and feels bad because they're not in a relationship

Committees

When you are on your computer and you copy something, but when you go to paste it, you push ctrl-C instead of ctrl-V. This makes you copy the entirely WRONG piece of information and you have to do it all again. Curses!!

ColgHate

Ok, the thing is I actually wasn't kidding about needing new toothpaste (below). I am deathly low and might have to steal someone else's tomorrow. What a fall from grace

Resentment

Sacred Cows (things everybody likes) that I hate:
Beaches
Guacamole
Cookies (too dry and not good, except Mother's brand cookies)
Seinfeld
Hobees/Stacks/any breakfast place that people rave about BUT IT TASTES JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PLACE. I literally GUARANTEE if you did a blind taste test of Denny's pancakes vs. Hobees/Stacks, the average person like (let's say) YOU couldn't tell the difference

When you really have to go to the bathroom but you're too lazy to get up

When you've in been in class for an hour and you look down at your watch and it's only really been 20 minutes

When you run out of a infrequently purchased product like toothpaste, necessitating a special trip to buy more. Hmm, if only I ran a Web site with hundreds of readers who could buy/ship me new toothpaste...

PS--How sad is it that of all the things I could ask for, I ask for a tube of toothpaste
PPS--I like Colgate Total 12 Hour Multi-Protection Toothpaste

Loathing

The phrase "I could care less," because if you take 2.5 seconds to think about it, it becomes clear why it is the OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY

When the person at the end of the row in lecture takes forever to put their stuff in their bag at the end of class, leaving about 15 people waiting to exit the row

People who start emails by saying "Sorry for spamming the list, but..." Ok, spam is UNSOLICITED EMAIL. If you are on an opt-in list, you are--by definition--not receiving spam. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PEOPLE WHO DON'T USE THE PHONE. I've worked with teams where one of the members is like, "He won't ever return my emails. I've sent him emails THREE times and he just won't write back!" Me (staring): "Did you try the novel device called the TELEPHONE?" Them (puzzled): "What do you mean?"

USE THE PHONE. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, IT IS 103825298593x FASTER AND EASIER. Yet somehow, many people seem to have this fear of talking on the phone and it's quite puzzling

People who are always seeking affection. I saw someone's away message last week that said "tell me I'm pretty"

When one person does a thought experiment and the other person keeps INSISTING on sticking to reality:
Person 1: Imagine if we flew to Paris for dinner!
Person 2: Well, we don't really have the money
I hate you

Another time this happened with some guy I met, I was saying out loud, "What if there was a product that..." and he cut me off, saying "Well, there isn't, so what difference does it make to talk about it?" Thank you, Stephen Hawking

Detestation

Computer scientists who use their ingroup language with normal people. They'll say phrases like "an order of magnitude" and "non-trivial" as if they mean anything to non-CS people. Quick litmus test to see if you should continue: Do people's eyes glaze over when you are talking to them?

People who don't understand that prototypes are, by definition, incomplete. "Well," they'll say when you present it, "what about X? Y? Z? I don't think we can go forward with all of these things missing!!!" Any product/interaction designer knows what I'm talking about

Bag snatchers on Halloween. You are so mean



THIS IS AN UGLY, GRANDMA PURSE. OH GOD. If you have this purse, you really are a moron. You are basically raising your hand and asking me to mock you. Let me address the ways: First of all, it looks like something a grandma would carry. In fact, as I discovered when I ranted about this, it IS your grandma's purse--old women love Louis Vuitton. Second, it costs a preposterous amount for something that simply is NOT ATTRACTIVE. If Louis Vuitton came out with prunes, would you pay $300.00 for them too? And let me also clarify that I'm not against designer purses; they just have to look good. When I see people in the airport and mall walking around with these, I have to physically restrain myself from going up to them and asking WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MA'AM? I just end up shaking my head at them in silent, derisive pity.

The tired old argument of "If you disagree, you just haven't seen what I've seen." When I told people I hated the food in Italy, they uniformly (and frantically) said "Well, you probably didn't eat at the right places!!!!" No, dumbass, I was there for 2 weeks. Trust me. The food just wasn't good. Naive realism in action

The increasing consumptive nature of people's media subscriptions. Think how much you spend on monthly media subscriptions: $30/month for Internet, $50/month for cell phone, $40/month for cable, $12/month for TiVo, $10/month for Napster/Rhapsody music subscription, and maybe $10/month for some other content-subscription like HighBeam. THAT IS ALMOST $2,000 PER YEAR!!! I wrote more about this here

When you have something hanging from your teeth/nose and nobody tells you

Repellence

Groups that use complicated terms that really mean nothing. For example, anyone in cultural and social anthropology. These people use terms that sound like BS (they really are) and, if you probe, they simply use one term to lead to another, etc. If you REALLY probe, the words don't mean anything!! But because they are surrounded by other fake/CASA people, everyone simply reinforces everyone else!! Other examples (please add your own):
-Art critics
-Sociologists ("negotiated reality" etc)
-Wine connoisseurs ("the wine is dry yet oaky and delicate" WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!)
-Anyone in fashion
-Gourmet chefs/food people

When girls act like they're so sexy because they're girls. Usually when this happens, it'll be something like this: A couple of girls say "You can sit here" and I'll say, "Oh no thanks, I'm fine." And then they'll say something like "Wouldn't you feel lucky to sit next to 2 sexy girls?" Please ladies, do I walk around saying "Would you like to speak to an entrepreneur with quite a substantial amount of business experience?" NO BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE RETARDED, AND IT'S EVEN WORSE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR LOOKS.

People who get too fancy for real life. Try watching Stanford parents when they visit and they see where their kids live. And our campus is luxurious! If I took some adults I know to shop at Target, I think they'd have a heart attack.

People who don't challenge stereotypes at all (e.g., the slutty Pi Phi with 3 boyfriends in a month, the co-op resident who shuns any new clothes; the fat plumber)

People who don't ask questions, but instead just talk about themselves. These are the people who you'll say "I went to New York last week" (if you get a chance to talk) and they'll respond by saying "Oh I have a friend in New York, he's blah blah blah" PART OF BEING NICE IS ABOUT ASKING OTHER PEOPLE QUESTIONS

When I lend people something and say "Ok, just remember to bring it back because I'll forget" and they don't bring it back. EVERRRRRRRR

Young people that argue against paternalism when they clearly need it. Like 18-year-olds protesting for more relaxed alcohol laws, stupid teenagers "falling in love," and other crap like this

The Stanford post office

Things I Love

On this special day, I figured why not post the things I love?

Taco Bell, for its economical deliciousness

A secret phrase you can use to get out of trouble ANYTIME. It is the following: "I'm just saying (shrug)". For example, "Your momma's a fat whore! Hey, I'm just saying! (shrug)"

Super-efficient meetings. Better yet, when someone says "We don't need to meet for that--it's already done"

Funny people

When you send an email with some question at around 2am, then wake up and the answer is in your inbox

When you get to the register and it's cheaper than you thought

People who aren't picky about trying new food

When people have really obscure hatreds, like "I hate matte photos, but not glossy ones"

Old people who have somehow survived corporate America and are still funny as hell and tell it like it is

Meeting a girl who is physically hot, but is so mean that her horrible attitude supersedes her hotness, causing me to be totally turned off. It's just thrilling to know that I can defeat millions of years of evolution ("she is hot, I want her") through intellectual means

Acerbity

This is a game college students unwittingly play that I call "My Life is More Miserable Than Yours." It goes like this:

Person 1: "I'm sooo tired. I have THREE midterms on Friday"
Person 2: "That's nothing. I have a 20-pg paper, 2 midterms, and a final on Friday--and I'm flying to Zaire to build houses for poor iguanas"
Person 3: Well I haven't slept in 43 days and tomorrow I have...

WHY DO WE DO THIS? I've even noticed myself getting into these stupid arguments. PLEASE, if you want to prove your life is more miserable than mine, you win! Next time this happens, I'm going to consciously stop, nod, and say "Yes, it seems that your life really does suck. Later."

People who don't introduce you when you walk up to someone they're talking to

Oh my god. If you ever want to see me silently go crazy, this is how. When there is a REALLY long line (at McDonald's or a bar, let's say) and the person in front of you gets to the front. Then they proceed to decide THERE--at the front of the line--what they want. "Well, let's see...I'll have a cheeseburger and some...well, I think I'll have chicken nuggers, two pies...and how much is lemonade? What about for a medium? What, wait you also want a drink? Ok hold on..." HEY DUMBASS, HERE'S A COKE AND 3 FRIES. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF LINE AND STOP WASTING EVERYONE'S OXYGEN. The truly amazing part of these people is that they actually seem startled when they get to the front of the line, as if they're not sure what they are doing there. YOU WERE STANDING IN LINE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE. YOUR ONLY GOAL IN THIS LINE WAS TO GET TO THE FRONT AND ORDER. BUT SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, YOU FORGOT WHY YOU WERE IN LINE. I have no use for these people

Paris Hilton, because she is also utterly useless

When you are sitting on a toilet and there's a mosquito/fly/bee in the room. Think about this sad shift of power, of the millions of years of man's superiority on this Earth, overturned by the threat of being bitten by a small insect

Malignity

Thanks to everyone for participating in the gender battle. Now back to the regular hatreds...

When I people say "how are WE feeling today?"

When you're walking towards a door pretty fast and you use your hand to open the doorknob--only you miss the doorknob and end up running into the door.

People who have dictionaries on their desk. Have you ever really opened that? Or did you perhaps use your computer to look up your word in a millisecond

People who don't brush their tongues, where all the bad-breath-causing germs lie

When people have the slightest cough or sniffle and they make a BIG SCENE about how "I have to take Vitamin C!!" or "I have to take echinacea!!!" Oh really? Then I ask them, "Do you even know if that works?" "Well, I didn't get sick last time after I took it."

What the hell kind of reasoning is that? Where's your control group?

When you hear someone on the phone and they're talking out loud, saying something like "Hhhaauu wooo." Then they repeat it louder (obviously the person on the other end didn't understand): "Hooooayyyyyuuuuuuu woooooooo" NO I SAID "HHHAUUUUUUUU WOOOOOOO"

FINALLY, ABOUT 18 MINUTES LATER, THEY FINALLY ENUNCIATE CLEARLY ENOUGH TO SAY "HOW ARE YOU?" EXCUSE ME, SIR. WAS IT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT? DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO REPEAT IT 5 TIMES? OR COULD YOU HAVE JUST MOVED ON.

People who only hang out with other people from their own culture/race

Stupid Things Guys Do Part 3

This is a guest post by Cristina Mercado and Emily Wood.

When a guy says some girl is hot and everyone else says she is a bitch and he says it doesn’t matter, she's HOT as though that makes up for it.

When you are at a bar/ club/watching Lindsey Lohan and a woman clearly has fake breasts but she is hot. Men will use all their force to try to convince you and namely themselves that her boobs are in fact real, as though having real boobs will actually give them a chance with this girl. “No man, they’re real!! They have to be real!” Take it from those of use who have the damn things, they are fake! God did not make women’s bodies to look like that, extreme makeover did. So yes, Lindsey Lohan’s boobs are fake, yes Britney’s boobs are fake, yes Xtina’s boobs are fake, and there is a 99% chance that if her boobs are big, well shaped and she is super thin then they are fake. And yes, people our age do have fake boobs, so just stop using that as one of your rationalizations.

When you are talking to a man regarding their ex and they say something like “but she broke up with ME” as though this minor detail somehow erases them of any responsibility for things that went wrong in a relationship. Maybe she broke up with you because you sucked as a boyfriend!

When men are attracted to women not because of who they are but because of how much they fit into the stereotype of what women should be (boring, needy, whiny, bitchy, naggy). And then they spend hours talking about how women are boring, needy, whiny, bitchy, naggy. Maybe if you didn’t date these awful women and actually were attracted to people based on liking them as opposed to how much they remind you of your mother you would not think that women suck.

Pushing a woman’s head down. DON’T DO THAT!!

When men tell you, “shut up about being single. You could get any guy you wanted.” Now honestly, if I could get any guy I wanted do you think I’d be sitting here alone at this bar talking to you. Also saying that the ugly guy with far too much confidence who just skeezily hit on me counts as a pick up is completely irrational. People who will hit on anything do not count. Also this comment just assumes that any women is just single because she wants to be and if she really wanted a man she should just try a little harder to notice the assholes who are throwing themselves at her. So angry!!! This “you must not be trying hard enough” argument is just like the whole American dream lie. The problem with this idea as well as with the American Dream is that no one actually admits that you can’t really have this “American dream” of getting any man you want. In reality this completely ignores the reality of situational factors.

How men will see a girl and think she is hot even though she is wearing a truly heinous outfit which includes one or more of the following: ugly platform sandals from Cathy Jean circa 1991, bad animal print, you can fill the rest in. Look at the details!! Why can’t men appreciate a well put together outfit!!

Stupid Things Girls Do Part 3

This is a guest post by Cristina Mercado and Emily Wood.

How women don’t EVER want to hear the truth. This is why they don’t ask people out because they are afraid of hearing the real reason for why people deny them.

On the same note, women who expect their friends to lie to them. Friends are not people that always tell you what you want to hear. Real friends sometimes tell you what you need to hear. Sometimes that outfit doesn’t look good on you, and sometimes you really don’t have any chance with that guy.

Women who are like "Oh my god I haven't been to the gym since yesterday. I'm feeling so fatigued.” One day! One day! Your chiseled abs will not turn to flab after one day of not working out.

Feminists who are actually pushing the women’s movement back. There are those who claim they are feminist and talk a lot about how they wear high heels and use their boobs to get what they want, and then there are women who say they are feminists but basically want to be men and don’t embrace their female side at all. “In my dreams I am a man.” Clearly you do not think that women are equal to men.

French tip toe nails.

Women who say stupid things that they know men will like even if they are not true. For instance, “Oh I only wear thongs! They are like way more comfortable than regular underwear!” This is a lie and if you somehow convinced yourself that this is true think about why you did that. Or also “I like to completely shave my *E#$@@$$. It’s more comfortable that way.” Can we say re-growth. I think I don’t even have to go into detail about this. Also might I add that if you were to talk to a group of girls with no men in the room you would find that their opinions about such things would be quite different. But put a man in the room and we suddenly become pathological liars trying to convince men that we are fembots (who don’t get ingrown hairs).

How women constantly talk about how "full" they are when they hardly ate anything. For instance “Wow that piece of cake looks SOOOO good. Yeah you should get it. Me? Oh man I am so full from that piece of wilted lettuce.”

The fact that women feel the need to tear each other down (and don’t say, yeah I hate girls who do that, because you do it too). If you took a second to think about that girl who is inadvertently stealing your man you’d see that she is in the same position as you. She’s isn’t some horrible bitch out to get you. And I bet you have more in common with the girls you hate than you think you do. On that note though, I still hate most women.

Women who talk TOTAL shit about a mutual friend and then are like "I mean I'm only saying this because I care about her.” No you don’t! If you cared about her you’d tell her to her face. The truth is you are probably jealous and want to bone her boyfriend.

Women who try to argue that, “girls are better than boys.” Wow, can I just say that the fact that you called them girls and boys just totally makes you lose any credibility. We are old enough to be referred to as men and women.

Women who are like "I don't know I just like, can't be friends with girls. Like all my friends are cute guys." Ok first of all you are not friends with girls because you are a bitch and no one likes you. Secondly the guys just want to do you. They don’t actually listen to ANYTHIGN YOU SAY BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A HUGE BITCH!

Women who provoke men to hit on them, and then when they do, get totally disgusted and say something like, "oh my god that guy was totally all over me. Ugh!" You were flirting with him!! You gave him the fucking signs! Of course he was all over you because you are dressed like that and you are laughing at all of his bad jokes, and hitting his arm while saying things like “oh you are soooo funny!” I hate you.

Stupid Things Guys Do - Part 2

Guys are actually very disgusting. Observe from my accidental discovery of a terrific research method: I lived in New York for a while and, when I'd get out of the subway and walk down the street, occasionally I'd end up behind a really hot girl (not intentionally). I'd be able 20-30 paces behind her, just walking along, and then I realized something: My view, about 25 feet back, was just like looking through her eyes. When guys would walk towards her, I could see exactly what she would see. AND LET ME TELL YOU I WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY REPULSED AND AMAZED. Guys are truly filthy creatures. They would almost ALL slow down, evaluate the girl from head to toe, and then check her ass out as she passed. Meanwhile, I was watching guy after guy do the same thing and literally cracking up. To think that these women's reality is so different than yours or mine is unreal.

Guys who don't talk to their girlfriends because they are incapable of emotional expression. Yes, I partially blame society for reinforcing the inability to relate emotionally to women, but come on, guys--grow up and TELL THEM WHAT YOU RE FEELING INSTEAD OF SULKING AWAY. PS--There are other "feelings" besides an erection.

Guys who don't lend their clothes out. What the hell? I once asked to borrow my good friend's socks and it was like I asked to date his mom. (Note: She is quite good looking.) Anyway, he looked at me with a combination of incredulity and revulsion and WOULD NOT LET ME BORROW HIS SOCKS (all mine were gone). Um, it's not like I was going to use them for...ok never mind. I would have returned them washed, clean, and folded! WHY

PS--Girls lend their clothes quite freely, Anton

Guys who complain they don't have a girlfriend and do nothing about it. Also, isn't it kind of weird that they just want "a girlfriend" and not someone in particular?

The fact that if a guy says he's from Stanford, it's generally a positive thing for picking up a girl. But if a girl says the same thing, guys are totally and automatically turned off.

Stupid Things Girls Do - Part 2

When Felicity cut her hair

The unbelievably powerful and simple strategy of tricking women into buying lots of cheap things that actually add up to a lot of money. Two words: Old Navy. Ask any of your female friends what they bought and inevitably it will end up with something like "Well...it was so cheap!" (where "it" represents 1 of 20 things they bought that day)

Girls who secretly think that only THEY can TRULY understand a book, character, or song--as if there's something that holds a special meaning just for them. Examples: Sex and the City, John Mayer songs, independent movies like Garden State, and certain fashion styles. Note that this need to be unique forces them to assume that everyone else can't really understand the TRUE meaning of the piece.

Girls who think that Carrie (Sex and the City) is hot. NO, NO, NO SHE IS NOT. ASK ANY MAN!!! ANYYYYYYYYYY MAN. And don't you dare answer with something like "well, she has a nice figure" or "She can wear her clothes well"--that is NOT the same thing as hot

Girls who wear black pants to clubs--I hate this. First of all, it doesn't look that good. Also, you can't see ANYTHING when someone's wearing black pants. And 6 billion other girls wear them, too. "But it's slimming!!!!" girls say when I tell them this. Oh, so you make your judgments based on what looks good on a 500-lb woman? Then they say, "Well what should I wear?" Hey, that's not up to me. Just please stop wearing black pants. Btw what about skirts, white/red/orange/grey pants, or anything else? PLEASE SOMETHING ELSE ARGHJKHASGSHAG

Girls who think their lives are like Sex and the City. When I lived in New York, I'd literally see 4 women trotting down the street, each one of them secretly having picked out the character she thought she represented. Please. Do you see me walking around pretending I'm Batman? And by the way, that show is painful to watch with a bunch of girls. It's kind of like Indian people: Get one and s/he's cool, but get 389646843 together and they go nuts

Stupid Things Guys Do - Part 1

Guys' bathrooms. How is it possible that girls' bathrooms smell like flowers and goodness, while guys' bathrooms smell like prison and defecation? And if you really want to see the difference, go to one of your male friends' apartments. Just lift up the toilet and look. Enough said.

Guys' conceptions of a hot tub. For some reason, the hot tub has entered the American consciousness as the direct method of hooking up: Guys think if they can get a girl in a hot tub, they are going to hook up with her. HEY MORONS. LET ME QUICKLY CORRECT YOUR THINKING. First of all, the problem is that the hot tub has been glamorized on unrealistic shows like Blind Date, where the girls are always hot and bikini-wearing and self-selected. Is this reality?

Second, watch the guys on this show. They always push and push to get girls into the hot tub, no matter where they are. "Wow, this sunset is so beautiful!" "Yeah, it is wanna get in the hot tub now?"

Finally, guys are insecure and stupid. At any social function, they try with all their might to get GIRLS into the hot tub, as if they will (1) hook up with them or (2) seem cool. It's not "cool" anymore to just hang out with your friends in the hot tub. What would people say? It's not that "cool" to just relax with your friends? What is it, that you can tell people "OHHH MAN WE HAD A HOT TUB!!! (eyebrows raised as if something secret happened) just so you can defend that there was at least ONE girl in it? Give me a fucking break. This is a prime example of stupid things guys do.

Guys who get a large truck in lieu of a penis

Guys who go into a meeting and upon meeting a woman, immediately assume she's not as competent. One of my favorite moments in the world was seeing the girl quietly take this in, then finally tell the guy that she was working at McKinsey the next year. His response: deafening silence and a confused look on his face = PRICELESS

When the light turns green and the driver in front of you just sits there. Naturally, you give a short courtesy honk. But wait--if the driver is male, chances are he'll flip you off as he's driving away. HEY JACKASS--YOU MADE THE MISTAKE, NOT ME. Have you EVER seen a woman flip you off in traffic? No, because they have control of their physical selves unlike moronic, testosterone-filled, I'm-never-wrong guys.

Stupid Things Girls Do - Part 1

Girls who say they don't get hit on. Ok buckle up because THIS PISSES ME OFF. After hearing this for a few years, I finally decided to do something about it to show these girls how wrong they were. On separate occasions, I took them to a bar/club
and told them to sit at the bar, alone, for 5 minutes. I would be monitoring unobtrusively from far away. Yes, I actually did this.

Over a 5-minute period, most of my female friends got hit on 3-5 times. EVERY ONE OF THEM was hit on at least 3 times. IN 5 MINUTES!!

Afterwards, I conducted a debrief, as any good social psychologist would. And what did I find? The conversations all went something like this:

Ramit: "Damn! Did you see all those guys who hit on you?"
Girl: "Huh? What are you talking about? See, I told you no one hits on me."
Ramit: "Um. 5 guys hit on you. Here, look--that guy in the red shirt, the guy in the jeans, the tall guy over there..."
Girl: "Oh. He doesn't count--he's really short. The other guy is just dirty. That other guy has gold teeth! Can you believe he had the nerve to talk to me? And the other guy doesn't count because..."

Now I have never (yet) been in a bar fight, but believe me when I say I was now holding a bottle the way it should not be grasped for consumption. GUYS DON'T THINK THIS CRAZY-ASS WAY!! If she moves and talks to us, that is GOOD. We don't have all these necessary conditions like "he can't have gold teeth." How arbitrary! Shit, if a 1-armed midget named Stacy hit on me, I'd feel good for the rest of the month.


Girls that don't realize that 99% of their male friends would hook up with them if given the chance. YES, YOU.

Girls who "conveniently" bring their IDs but forget to bring any money. I'm delighted to spot anyone once, twice, three times, but when you see the puppy-dog eyes and the shrug AGAIN--"oops, I forgot my money" (shrug of helplessness)--then it's bullshit.

Girls and chicken sandwiches. This is a horrific syndrome that most men don't understand. See, if you are out with girls and hoping for something fun (e.g., going out) or physical to happen, DO NOT GET THE GIRLS FOOD. Here is what happens: You're out, just about to go to a club or wherever, and someone says "I feel like some food...mmm how about a chicken sandwich?" So you are nice and say, Ok, I'll take you all to Jack In The Box. After all, how can you say no to a group of nice girls? I AM HERE TO TELL YOU TO SAY NO FROM THE START. Once everyone eats, the group mentality will shift quickly: "Ohh...hmm...I'm kind of full, I don't really feel like going out." Or "I'm kind of full...I think I'll just go to sleep." NO!!!! Once a girl has eaten a greasy chicken sandwich or ANYTHING LIKE IT, your game is over. BE VERY VERY CAREFUL OF THE CHICKEN SANDWICH SYNDROME.

Girls who allow themselves to be defined by the men they're with. These are the girls who ALWAYS have to be dating someone.

Stupid Guys vs. Stupid Girls

Welcome to the gender battle on Things I Hate.

Over the next couple of days, I'll post stupid things girls do vs. stupid things guys do. Then we will mock them both and perhaps learn something. Or not. I don't really care, except to provide ammunition to each gender to mock the other one.

Feel free to add the stupid things you've noticed by clicking "Comments" on any post. You'll be able to add your own and read what other people have said.

Now, let the stupidity begin.

Virulence

Drivers who stop in the middle of the road to allow a pedestrian to pass. This isn't nice, it's stupid. You see, most other drivers won't know what you're doing and will continue driving, as normal people would, and will HIT the nice person you waved by to continue walking. Now what?

People who return their Christmas gifts on December 26 and then complain about how crazy the stores were. That's like going to Siberia on vacation and complaining it was cold. OF COURSE IT WAS. WHY NOT WAIT 5 DAYS AND THEN RETURN YOUR CRAP? Actually, I want to point out that this is a situation with self-selected morons all gathering in one place. Other examples: Hometown Buffet, any Austin Powers movie, and cultural/social anthropology classes.

Will and Grace, the show whose jokes all center around "That's funny because he's gay!!! Hahaha ahahah ahahahahaha"

Eggs cooked by anyone other than my mom or me

When you start buttoning your shirt and you get to the end and there's one button left. WHY DOES THIS STILL HAPPEN!! My dad finally taught me to start from the bottom up--YES IT WORKS!!

The runners I see on campus when it's pouring rain. Can't you take one day off? Will you really lose all your endurance if you watch TV and eat KFC for today only?

People who get really weird about filling their gas tank up WHEN THEY STILL HAVE 1/4 OF A TANK LEFT. Apparently somewhere in their experience (probably their cousin's brothers' sister's nephew's experience) someone ran out of gas so now they have to keep it above 1/2 all the time. COME ON PLEASE

When you're driving and the person behind you is really really close to you, they're telling you to MOVE OUT OF THE FAST LANE BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TOO SLOW. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING FAST, APPARENTLY IT'S NOT FAST ENOUGH

When people you haven't seen in a while say, "You should come over for dinner!" and then when you never meet up, they say "Well, I invited you." THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION. An invitation is "Hey, would you like to come over tomorrow at 6pm?"

Guys who get a large, large truck in lieu of a penis

When you and a teammate have the exact same information but arrive at opposite conclusions. I think they call this "diversity" but I'm not sure I like it

Gall

In movies, when the Bad Guy destroyes the computer by shooting at the monitor

People who put up a text-filled slide while presenting and then proceed to read every word AS IF WE CAN'T READ

People who can't apply what they've learned to real-life situations. Shit, you could be the most educated person in the world (MD, MBA, JD, PhD) but if you can't APPLY your book knowledge, what use is it? Tell me some interesting shit at a a party. Tell me why the news reporter is wrong about the economy. TELL ME SOMETHING

People who are really weird about their sleep. They'll demand to sleep on a bed if you go on a ski trip when ski trip is about HAVING FUN NOT SLEEPING ON A BED. Can't they last 1 day without a soft bed? They will also go nuts if they get woken up for any reason, not realizing that sleep is the most RENEWABLE RESOURCE ON EARTH. Anytime you want it you can have it!!!!!!!

How many times have you seen this on TV? One person goes through a tragedy and the other person, trying to comfort Person 1, says

"I know how hard this must be."
Person 1: (Stare of disbelief) "No you don't! How could you? How could you know what I'm going through? You've NEVER been through this blah blah blah"

DON'T YOU THINK THIS THEME IS A LITTLE TIRED OUT? If someone's saying "I understand what you're going through," they're not saying "I have been through a perfectly analogous situation and would like to instruct you upon the trials and tribulations you face" YOU IDIOT. They're saying "I am here to help you." I'm not sure where I was going with this, but I think the hatred is aimed at stupid TV writers who continue to propagate this moronic dialogue

People who say they'll move to Canada if a certain political party wins. You are so lazy, you won't do a damn thing

Another quote from television:

Dad: "Michelle, I looked at your diary and you're doing crack, cocaine, and you have 46 sex partners. What in God's name are you thinking?!"
Daughter: "You looked in my diary!?! How COULD YOU"

THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!! IF YOU ARE IN THE WRONG, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG. YES WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG BUT YOU CAN'T USE THAT AS A SHIELD (except against the very very stupid). LEARN HOW TO SEPARATE THE TWO PLEASE

People who preface a statement by saying "It's interesting that..." No, madam. Just because you say something doesn't make it so

When you ask someone the time and they just show you their watch and it happens to be one of those watches with no hands so when I look at it seems that I don't know how to tell time. Also, sentences with no punctuation

Disapprobation

When someone tells you a story and it's COMPLETELY one-sided. When you prod them to think about the other perspective, they steadfastly insist that that's the way it happened. So it would go something like this...

"I walked in to see him and he started screaming and told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again."
"Um, did anything happen before? Did you say anything to him?"
"No!! I'm telling you, that was it! I didn't even DO anything!"

Getting to page 150 in a book and realizing it sucks

A couple days ago, I was telling my brother how I love John Grisham books. He turns to me and says "John Grisham sucks. NEVER READ Skipping Christmas." OF COURSE I wouldn't read a Grisham book called "Skipping Christmas." That's like going to an Indian restaurant and ordering a hamburger. Other examples: People who take 20 units and then complain they're not having fun. Also, people who pick a major that daddy wanted them to--in which they have virtually no interest--and then complain they hate it. Ohhhhh man

When you have almost no battery life left on your phone and, by recharging it for 5 seconds, it shows a FULL charge. Now, I'm no electrical/chemical engineer, but MAN if I were designing this, I would make it slightly more accurate than caveman-level accuracy

People who will only eat ONE type of pizza, like ONLY pepperoni. If you meet someone like this in college, don't be their friend. Because I guarantee, it will come back to bite you in the ass one night when you're all trying to get some Domino's and this ONE guy is cockblocking a group of 8 people

Mangoes

Distress

When people speak to different types of people AS IF THEY WERE THE SAME. This is a god damn epidemic among young people. Look, you can't speak to 65-year old foreign woman the same as a Stanford professor!!! Today, our middle-aged Thai chef was talking to someone saying "How are things going?" And the person started replying with this complex research s/he was working on involving detailed analyses and the historical significance. NO!!!!!!! TAILOR TO YOUR AUDIENCE!!!!!!! Yet another example:

hoochiebooty: hey so at the library
hoochiebooty: these two asian girls were workign right after me
hoochiebooty: and they cam ein late
hoochiebooty: and so this woman was trying to rent a video and she was asian and couldnt' speak very good english
hoochiebooty: so it was a matter of speaking slowly and using non colloquial english so that seh could understand
hoochiebooty: so stupid bitch who takes over the next hour (and happesn to be asian) starts tryingto talk to her
RamitSethi: yes!
hoochiebooty: and the woman is like "don't udnerstand"
hoochiebooty: and so the girl does not doanythign different
RamitSethi: OH GOD
RamitSethi: i HATE that
hoochiebooty: she continues to speak in her slurred LA speech only slightly louder
hoochiebooty: how stupid is that!
RamitSethi: wow
RamitSethi: what a great point
hoochiebooty: i wanted to say "hey dumb ass. speaking louder won't do anything. you need to speak slower and don't talk to her like she's a fucking high schooler who knows all teh ins and outs of american culture and language"

Girls who confuse friendship with hotness. If you ever ask a girl if her friends are hot, she will ALWAYS say yes. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T MAKE THEM HOT!!! You can easily test this by doing what I did: A while back, my friend Kimen was telling me about her really good friend who was coming to visit. "Is she hot?" I of course asked. I'll never forget what she said. "Well...no." BRUTAL HONESTY. THANK YOU KIMEN.

People who don't know the difference between it's and its

Ok so you call a 1-800 customer-service number. Let's say it's for your credit card or cell phone. Then, after you've resolved the issue, you want to be DONE with it. But instead of letting you off the phone that easy, the rep will have the LONGEST salutation ever: "Thank you for calling Sprint PCS. We appreciate your business and want to make every interaction with you valuable. If you have any further..." LET ME GET OFF THE PHONE GOD I ALREADY SPENT 58 MINUTES EXPLAINING WHY YOU OVERCHARGED ME FOR THE 3RD TIME IN 3 MONTHS ARGGHGHGAJSSNAJKGANS

When girls cut their hair, especially to a Mom Cut. NEVER EVER CUT YOUR HAIR

When you write a check and the person doesn't cash it forever, making you forget you ever wrote it and that much more angry when it's cashed and the money is siphoned away

Rancor

People who buy their books BEFORE school starts. Today is the first day of classes. Yesterday I sat outside the bookstore and just watched dozens of frantic students gallop into the bookstore. Then I laughed and laughed. Really, what are you doing? Are the books going somewhere? Do you have to read them TONIGHT? Also, I was scratching my head because how do they even know what classes they're taking yet.

People who do investment banking because they're not sure they want to do. Boy are you dumb. But you're probably not reading this because you're at work at 4am on a Saturday night

When people buy you a gift THEY would like to receive, not you

When people forget their ID and WE ARE IN SF AND HAVE TO GO HOME BECAUSE OF THEM. My friends had an innovative solution:They kicked in $1 each and sent his ass home in a cab. PEACE

When someone misses a belt loop on their pants. This makes me more sad than angry

Marketers who use no analysis but go on hunches: "I think a red package will sell more." WHY MUST YOU GIVE OTHER MARKETERS A BAD NAME

Idiots who avoid the stock market because it's risky. Oh, ok, enjoy the 0.25% interest rate from Wells Fargo

People who say they don't like McDonald's. However, this was perhaps the most authoritative reasoning ever:

RamitSethi: i like mcdonalds
vasb2: thats sad
RamitSethi: they are good
RamitSethi: why dont you just respect them
vasb2: i dont know, perhaps it is their disgusting chicken sandwiches made from various compressed chicken parts, deep fried lard burgers that dont even taste like meat, fries with a gallon of salt, shakes made from gelatin/gum based products and not dairy
RamitSethi: jesus christ that was a comprehensive answer

This is what I call The Failure of the Last Mile. Someone who plans something but fails in the last, most important aspect. For example, someone I know planned a huge event and emailed out early, got commitments, etc. But then she failed to remind everyone on the day of the event. Only 4 people showed up!!!

Acrimony

I visited Boston over break.


It was cold. So very very cold.

Mordancy

"But Ramit, they don't have an outlet at that coffee shop." Students who HAVE to have their computers to write a paper. What happened to using the novel inventions called a PEN AND PAPER?

When people stand in a doorway and talk with someone else WHILE I AM TRYING TO GET BY. Are they just preemptively preparing for an earthquake?

Wacko parents who have kids and transfer their crackpot values onto them. How many crazies do you know. BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT. PERHAPS I CAN LIST SOME OF THEM HERE:
-The girl who is so rich that when my car broke down, she said "Why don't you just buy a new one?" KILL YOU
-The girl who studies 8 hours every day, even Saturdays and Sundays, and is constantly hyper-stressed out. WHY
-The guy who never, ever was told he was wrong as a child, so whenever he's given a constructive criticism ("Jack in the box is on the left, not the right) he flips out
-->Hey people: If you have ever been called "weird" THREE times in the last TEN years, DO NOT HAVE KIDS PLEASE

Bland food

When, in times of need, I asked people "Do you know how to jump a car?" and they reply with a shrug: "Uhhh, yeah, I'm pretty sure...yeah (upturned, questioning tone)" NO YOU DON'T AND I WON'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FIERY DEATH

People who totally discredit what they're about to say: "Well, this is probably totally wrong, but what if we..." Do you do this?

When people argue hypothetically but refuse to realize that the real world is different. "But it SHOULD be like X," they might say. Yes, but it isn't!! Welcome to real world. It's hard

Mont Blanc pens

People talking too loud on their cell phones in public places. Luckily, here's something to do about it: http://www.coudal.com/Shhh.pdf

Hostility

People who ask a question in class, but it turns into a statement, and then (midway through the rant), they realize it's not a question. So by the end, the only way to salvage their "question" is to say "Does that make sense?" or "I dunno?" (upturned tone).

People who bring laptops to class and browse the Web/email. Why even come? In all fairness, I'm currently writing this by hand in a class on social psychology

Cell phone designers that have NO SENSE OF USABILITY WHATSOEVER. Let me explain: My friend's cell phone has a wonderful feature. When she puts it on silent and someone leaves a voicemail, it rings out loud. NICE. Then when the embarrassedly turns it off (as 15 people look on), there is a 6-tone song as the phone shuts off. Who thought of this? This is why engineers are not usability specialists

Girls' keychains. Why are they so large?

When someone makes a really funny, bitter joke, and then ruins it by saying "just kidding, just kidding" GOODBYE LAUGHTER

Abhorrence

People who love to feel guilty about not constantly doing work. These are the people that won't go out on a Thursday night because they have a problem set due Monday. So they go to the library for 6 hours, talk on IM/email, and end up reading only 20 pages. Dude, I hate working. When I go to the library, it's a final act of desperation. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE THERE RECREATIONALLY??

People who read these hatreds and laugh but don't see themselves in them. I KNOW AT LEAST ONE PERSON WHO DOES THIS!!! YOUR NAME STARTS WITH AN S!!!

"Respect" and its role with idiotic tough guys. Talk to anyone who has been in a physical figth and, inevitably, the guy who started it was pissed because he didn't get respect. Shit, if someone midget in a parking lot is talking trash to me (actually happened on TV), do I care about getting respect from him?

Any member of a group that comes up with an idea and is UTTERLY INFLEXIBLE to changing their opinion. They don't even PROCESS other ideas. This happens in interviews, class groups, and at work soooo much

People who argue against split infinitives. I hate you and your archaic ways

If you were in 4th grade and said this, it would be one thing, but if you're an adult and it's raining and you joke about someone with glasses having wipers on them, please go away

How a french word will have 12 vowels but is pronounced "fwaaaah" -- NO THAT IS NOT WHAT IT SAYS!!!

People who think "networking" is a dirty word

How, if you're in class and 3 people around you start taking notes, you will start writing something--anything--down. This is peer pressure my friends!!! Try it and see

When people don't take their hats off indoors. I don't know why--it's an old custom, but it's so nice when someone does. This is probably my most heartwarming hatred of all

When girls think guys "really" want to dance and they just have to convince us to do it. NOT TRUE--I GUARANTEE IT

Revulsion

When you walk out of a test and people are like, "What'd you put for that one? What about #10? And the last one!?!?" Also, when you find out you got every single one wrong

When your cell phone rings in the bathroom and it's urgent, should you pick it up? If you get an important call as you're about to get on the subway, should you pause in line and take the call? When you're in the car with friends and somebody sends you a text message, should you read it? The answer is no

Girls who fake acting slutty but really aren't and it's painfully obvious (e.g., weird dancing, utterly incomprehensible poses for pictures that are supposed to look scandalous but look like a 3-legged mammal, etc)

Papers that don't take a position. "Here is side A, here is side B, now you make up your mind." NO, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME SOMETHING PLEASE

Sports analogies because I know nothing about sports

People who say advertising doesn't affect them. Usually this is while they're drinking a Coke and brushing their teeth with Crest

People who think meat HAS to be the central part of a meal

People who clearly have a huge chip on their shoulder

People who have a huge chip on their shoulder but it's so subtle that it takes 6 months to figure it out. Meanwhile you can't explain why the hell they act the way they do

The checkers at Costco/Fry's who inspect your receipt as you're leaving. WHY DO YOU LIVE

"You have died of dysentery"
(Support this site; buy the shirt)

Indignation

People who confuse efforts with results I WILL NEVER EVER HIRE YOU

The singular incompetence of most nonprofit management. The failure to recognize that by spending a little more to get good management, you can actually help more people! Instead, we see awful, awful bureaucracy and employees in many nonprofits. Let me tell you a little story: I used to teach computer programs to an elderly-care home (Word, Excel, email, etc). This nonprofit decided that it would limit the number of employees that could come to the seminars. Why? Why on earth would an executive administrator limit her employees from FREE training that would improve productivity?

People who can't take a compliment well

This idiot who, in an interview, once asked me "How do you consider your English skills?"
Me: "Um, excellent"
Him: "Oh really" (trying to bully me). Well, I want you to answer this English question for me RIGHT NOW"
Me: "Uh, okay" (wondering when else I would answer it)
Him: "What's the difference between disinterested and uninterested?"
HEY JACKASS, HOW DID YOU FEEL ONCE I ANSWERED THAT QUESTION RIGHT? OOOH YOU WERE SO FANCY BEHIND THAT TABLE

Repugnance

OHH MAN I HATE THIS. When you're talking to someone and making a point using an example, and they can't grasp that this is an example. Consider this (talking about how someone should write a good college-admissions essay):
Them: Well, should my essay just be about something I did or should it talk about my personality?
Me: It should probably be both. So for example, you might say "I worked in a pizza place and it taught me about hard work and discipline."
Them: "But I didn't work in a pizza place!!"
PLEASE STOP AND THINK ABOUT IF YOU DO THIS. I THINK YOU MIGHT. This is a good, simple way to tell if someone is a moron.

People who say "That commercial sucked" because it wasn't funny or entertaining. Commercials are supposed to sell, not make you laugh.

The utter simplicity of men (look at hot women, try to impress them, etc) and the failure of women to recognize it ("I'm not sure if he likes me" as he is standing outside their window at 3am, or "I'm not sure if he likes me" as he is making out with some other girl IN FRONT OF THEM at a club)

People who suggest things but have no idea about practical concerns. "I think we should have a campus-wide party tomorrow!!" OH OK THANKS FOR YOUR SUGGESTION JACKASS

When I hand my business card to someone, and they give it back. Oh man, you are out.

Seal, the singer

Displeasure

Nalgene bottles, because you are an idiot if you have one and carry it around as if potable water weren't readily available within 25 paces of anywhere in the developed world

When you start working at a company out of college and realize what idiots most people are. Why does your boss take 3 weeks to do something that literally takes you 2 hours? Are you that much smarter than him? Props to Jean (last name withheld) for ranting about this for 15 minutes to me

When people are in simulations (mock interview, etc) and you tell them to pretend like it's the real thing--BUT THEY JUST CAN'T DO IT. "So wait, should I say blah blah?" HEY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT IN THE REAL THING? This is also true for simulations, like the Jungle Simulation where you're told you're stranded with only 20 tools and you have to prioritize. People will be like, "Well...is the lantern waterproof? Is the machete made of stainless steel?" WE ONLY KNOW WHAT'S ON THE PAPER ARGHASJGKASJKGSA

People who tell ME to call THEM when they want something: "Hey Ramit, give me a call this weekend and let me know what I should do about this job situation." Oh ok.

People who end every sentence with an upturned tone: "I'm from New York? And I am really interested in investment banking?" I just want to reply to their statements with "No"

People who don't do any kind of continuing education. You are dumb.

Election bitterness

EVERYONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY IS A MORON

Bitter about the election?

"Voting is cool, I guess"

(Get the shirt)

Irritation

When people don't let you see how long they've been idle on AIM

People who say you can tell everything about someone by their belt and shoes. Are you kidding me. Have you ever heard of attribution errors? Can I tell what kind of soup you like by your earring? Get the fuck out of here.

How, in the business world, if someone says "I'll get right back to you," they are 100% GUARANTEED lying

Toilets with poor flushing power

When you remember someone's name, but they don't. Usually this happens with me and hot girls

When people (usually professors) say "...in the late 20th century" instead of "the late 1900s." That extra processing energy it took for me to figure that out could have been used elsewhere, and then I'm 2 seconds behind for the rest of the lecture!!!

Animosity

When people call and don't say anything on the phone
Me: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hello" (dead silence)
YOU CALLED ME, THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TALK ARGHGHHGH I HATE YOU SO MUCH

People who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom, girls and guys alike

Girls who complain I step on their feet at a bar/club. Actually as I type this, I realize this might be my fault

Classes with books that cost $832958923 and you read only one chapter

People who say "I don't watch TV...how do you have time?" THIS IS COLLEGE!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

When you're standing at a urinal, and someone comes in and chooses the urinal right next to you

Outrage

When salesmen are all nice and friendly until they make the pitch, and when you say no they get sullen, quiet, and mean. YOU IDIOT, do you really think that now I'll buy your product? This happened to me at Enterprise Rent-a-Car when the salesman tried to sell me unnecessary insurance.

People who refuse to answer their phones when they ring in inappropriate situations

People who say they are bad at driving. Most people lie and say they are good, so when someone says they are bad, they are REALLY bad.

People who are overly passive because they don't want to be "mean"

People who do the optional homework assignments

When you open the door for someone and she doesn't say thank you GOD I GUESS WE WERE RAISED DIFFERENTLY

Contempt

When you're watching a movie and, in the first 3 minutes, someone is like "Who is that?" "Why did he say that?" "Where are they going?" MY GOD, WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE. HOW WOULD I KNOW MORE THAN YOU!?!

When you constructively try to tell someone they did something wrong, and they totally take it the wrong way and shut down any further conversation.
You: "Hey Maggie, I really didn't like how you insulted me in front of my
parents yesterday."
Maggie: "Fine, I guess everything I do is wrong" (storms off)
KILL YOU

People who don't know or care to learn how to iron clothes

When people are telling a story and go off on the WORST tangent. "So I saw the President Bush dumping a dead body in the lake on Tuesday...or was it Wednesday? I think probably Wednesday because on Tuesday I went to get my hair done..." GET ON WITH THE STORY BEFORE I BLOW MY HEAD OFF PLEASE

Fury

People who are weird about their cars and don't drive anyone anywhere ever

People who complain about never getting invited anywhere but (1) they never initate shit and (2) when you invite them out they are visibly uncomfortable and you have to babysit them, and usually they leave early. GOD DAMNIT

As you can see, I'm bitter, so I started a company called www.BitterShirts.com. Buy a shirt and keep me motivated enough to continue my tirades against this miserable world.

Gas pumps when they slow down towards the end...and it takes 5 minutes to finish the last drop

People who you know and they avoid eye contact when you're walking toward each other

Fake modesty. If you're good at something why don't you stop hiding it to seem cool

Ire

Engineers who think they know usability

This stupid woman in my class who obviously went to an inferior undergrad, because anytime someone remotely questions her, she was like "WELL, thats not what i meant, and yeah of course thats true in special situations, but really yo have to look at blah blah blah." YOU'RE A PhD STUDENT, DO YOU REALLY NEED TO PROVE THIS TO ANYONE?

People who buy premium gas and don't need to (links to an article on IWillTeachYouToBeRich.com, another site I run)

People who pick up their cell phones when they can't talk and rudely say "Can I call you back?" LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL YOU DUMBASS

People who lie about their music tastes. Yesterday I was in the dining hall and there was music playing, and it was Luther Vandross. I happen to know who it was because i have the musical taste of a 40-year old woman. Anyway, the point is that people were nodding their heads along with the beat, and i just thought to myself, you jackasses, if I told you who this was, you would immediately turn your face into a sign of disgust and say EWWW.

People who are quiet and don't talk, but then get indignant when I forget your name. Why would I remember it!?!

People who are bad at IMing and don't set away messages or respond EVER

People who are in college and get mad when you call them at 11pm

Anger

When people complain about how much work they have

When people complain about how much work they have in an away message

If you hate a lot of things, check out www.BitterShirts.com

People who walk around saying they're so tired WE DON'T CARE

Guacamole because it tastes like nothing and people are stupid and pretend it's good

People who say In-N-Out is good because it's "fresh." THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT GOOD, SPINACH IS FRESH TOO BUT YOU PROBABLY HATE THAT

Hatred

Girls who complain they don't get hit on

People who ask questions at the end of class

When you like a girl and she starts telling you about how she has a crush on some other guy

WhEnN PeOple TyPe lIkE ThIS

People who think marketing and advertising are the same thing

Guys who are creepy and EVERYONE thinks it

People who say they don't have time to do something. LEARN HOW TO PRIORITIZE YOU IDIOTS

People who answer the phone at the dinner table

People who have a beautifully clean room and you walk in and they say "sorry about the mess"